This article is going to have an unhappy beginning, but please stick around and finish it; it gets better!

I've never met my biological father. I'd be lying to say that I never get curious about meeting him someday, but I don't know that I'll ever get curious enough to actually do it.

Most of my grandparents were in and out of my life constantly.

My biological mother was the only consistent person in my life until I was 9. We moved a lot because of her job, so I never made close attachments with anyone other than her. Then she decided that she didn't want to be a momma anymore, so she dropped me off on the doorstep of the family that has now become my rock. Growing up, I never imagined myself getting close to anyone besides my mom; when she left, she took any hope of me building a genuine relationship with anyone ever again.

This is what abandonment anxiety has looked like for me:

I was the class favorite in high school who didn't have a single friend that knew everything about me.

I was the girl who helps counsel everyone through their problems, but would never share a real struggle of my own. Any struggles that I share are things that I'd share with anyone else; there's no vulnerability attached.

I was the girl who always wants to be in a relationship but never has been because attachments are basically weaknesses.

I was the girl who loved being around people during the day but retreated to my room at night because I loved social interaction, but I was genuinely terrified of getting close to anyone.

I was the independent girl who refused help for anything because I despised feeling dependent on anyone other than myself.

Abandonment anxiety isn't the kind that makes you cry and breathe heavy during attacks. These attacks are much more subtle and they don't come in spurts; they spend years forming habits that control your life. It makes you falsely confident to the point of seeming vain to everyone else because you're so scared that if you don't seem like you're enough to the next person, you know that they'll leave.

After allowing this to attack me for years, I began to realize why I never felt close to the God whom I was claiming to have a relationship with. I didn't want Him to know exactly how I felt or what I was struggling with (like He didn't already know). Everyone else left; why was I supposed to believe that He wouldn't?

I'm sharing this because if there's anyone who feels even remotely like I used to feel, I want you to know that it gets better! I allowed God to invade me for real. Even though He already knows everything, I shared my entire heart with Him; I verbally told Him my struggles, my shortcomings; I told Him what hurts and how much.

Since my anxiety was all that I knew for the majority of my life, I never thought I'd be free of it. It was like I almost didn't want to leave it behind because even if it tormented me, it was the only consistent piece of me. God had other plans. He's never left me, and He's sent people to me that love every part of my messy life!

If you can relate to this today, I pray that you learn to find true acceptance and love in the Father. He'll never leave you behind. He'll never brush you off. He will listen, guide, and comfort. Trust in Him today first and forever, and He'll help you with the rest.