"I want to try us again." "I've changed." "I miss spending time with you."
These are the words I have feared since the day we broke up.
There are many stages in a break-up such as the sad depressive, how will I ever get over him, stage. The denial stage. The low rebound stage where you are just desperate to get your mind off of him. But after those grieving stages, you begin to hit the stage of acceptance. But the acceptance stage cannot come without the confusing texts and pleads of wanting your old relationship back.
Someone once told me that at the beginning of a break-up, the girl always struggles more. She is sad and looking for answers, not knowing how to exactly move on. Sooner or later the tables turn. The girl begins to do better and works on getting back her old self while the guy is struggling and starts to miss the girl. I did not think that was true until I was that girl.
I did my best to avoid contact with my ex and started to socialize a bit more in hopes of making a full recovery from heartbreak. We had our share of arguments in between but all I ever wanted was to remain mutual with him. Not friends, not enemies, just two mutual human beings. Mutual as in, if I saw him around campus I'd wave and smile. But when I saw him around campus, it was harder than I thought.
Once I began accepting the fact that this is just the way things are for right now, I got that text. I ignored that text and the multiple ones after that, but the good side of me knew he didn't deserve to just be ignored. It was so difficult to bring myself to answer and the mental battle in my head made me so hesitant.
I tried plenty of times to explain to him why I can't be friends. I can't love him as a friend the way I loved him as my boyfriend. I honestly do not think I am ready to see him. I tell myself that I have been doing so well and that if we even attempt to try and make things work again, the results are going to be the same. When we decided to end it, we agreed to do our own thing, work on ourselves and see where we are at in a few months. Even though he says he has changed, who really changes after one month?
If someone assured me that if I accept his offer to try again and our relationship will be full of love, trust, communication and our true selves, then I would 100% without a doubt jump right back into it again. I have my doubts and hesitations for good reasons.
Not only have I feared those "I miss you" texts, but I fear that if I plan to see him all of my hard work and growth will diminish. My parents and friends tell me to forget about it and not turn back, but they didn't share what I shared with him. The most confusing part about a break-up is "what if". What if I see him again and our relationship grows to be even stronger, but what if I see him again and I break down and cry. Just the other day I worked up the courage to reach out to him to try and see him. His response, "I am not looking to date again." Why am I going to waste my time with someone who cannot make up their mind and acts like two different people?
In order for me to keep my head up high, I really do not feel ready or the need to see him anymore, better yet I am not going to bother. I do not know if I would need a few more weeks or months, but I know that if I ever do eventually sit down with him, I need to be at my strongest. The most confusing stage in a break-up is the mind games that I do not want to play anymore.