Recently, I received a message from a family friend back home concerning my faith. "I have read your blogs. I think something is being left out that is very important. Your faith". Now the person that sent me the message did not say any of those words out of anger or hate, but out of love and concern and I know that. I know that she messaged me with the best intentions. I know she just wanted to make sure I realize that God is still out there and he hasn't forgotten me. But when I finished reading the message, all I felt was pure anger.

Why would you say that?

Why would you assume I have forgotten God?

Why would you question MY faith?

I didn't respond to her message. I was angry and I simply didn't know what to say, so I waited a week before responding. I sent a brief message back because after thinking about it, I realized how she thought I had forgotten my faith. When she responded, I learned that she was not trying to question me or tell me that my faith was wavered, but she was worried about me and wanted us to get together to talk about life, which I agreed too. Every week I have written about how I am healing, what college has been like, how I spend my time, but I haven't once mentioned my faith or how it may have helped me. So being the person I am, I have decided to try to write it down and try to explain to you why I haven't been professing my faith from the rooftops.

I remember the first time I questioned my faith after my parents split up.

I remember asking God why I felt unloved.

I remember questioning why, if God was out there, he would let my best friend's brother die when we were in 7th grade.

I remember wondering how God could let others treat me so badly.

I remember questioning if God was real when I went on my mission trip to Greece and wondering why he would let people suffer so much.

And I remember questioning my faith when I went through my breakup and why God would let me feel so empty and broken.

You were right.

I did recently have my heart broken, and I did go through a dark time after that happened. I would lie awake at night trying to figure out how there could be a God out there who supposedly loves me so much, but would allow me to go through such heartache. If he was really out there, why did I feel so worthless? If he was really there, why did I no longer want to live? I spent weeks not being able to eat, not being able to sleep and walking around like a zombie because I felt so numb. And I was angry with God. I would love to tell you that my faith never wavered, but it did. My faith was shaken and I questioned it all over and over in my head because none of it made sense. Then, I started obsessively listening to NF's latest album and would replay the song "Oh Lord" over and over again until I couldn't stand it anymore.

Sometimes I look up to the sky
And wonder do You see us down here?
Oh Lord, oh Lord, do You see us down here?

And it was within that song that I realized the entire time he was teaching me a lesson.

When I questioned my faith when my parents were splitting up, I didn't know that my parents would both find people who were better suited for them, who would make them happy and give me two incredible families instead of one.

When I questioned God for allowing me to feel unloved, I didn't realize he was giving me the empathy and compassion I now have for others. I didn't know that I would use that pain to make sure I always went out of my way to tell those I care about just how much I love them on a daily basis.

When I asked God how he could allow others to treat me so badly, I didn't know he was showing me what not to do. I didn't know that God was teaching me how to ALWAYS treat others how I wanted to be treated.

When I came home from Greece and questioned how he could let those people suffer so much, I didn't realize he was using them show me how much I should be thankful for. I didn't know he was using them to un-thaw my heart that had been frozen and darkened from the hurt and pain I went through.

And when I questioned his existence after my breakup, I didn't know he was showing me my true worth. I didn't know he was using that pain to show me how much better I deserved.

So yes, I have questioned my faith and I have left it out in my articles but it is not for the reasons you think. My faith is not gone and my relationship with him has not been forgotten, it's a work in progress that is being restructured. My heart is healing and I am trying to find my place in the world again and my faith is allowing me to do that. I know I have God to thank for the people that have come into my life or who have stepped up to make sure I am healing each day. I know I have God to thank for the strength I have found within myself. And I know I have God to thank for finally realizing my worth and finding the courage to stand up for myself. I have God to thank for all that I am, all that I continue to be and all of who I will become. My faith is not a question because I know that because of it, I am no longer that broken girl stuck in a dark place. I am happy, thriving and living each day with the intention to leave the world a better place than it was when I found it.

John 13:7 "Jesus replied, 'You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.'"