An update for those following my military relationship...

This is probably the only picture I will get during the two weeks he is at home.

Homecomings are supposed to be filled with happy tears, laughter, long conversations, relaxation, and just time spent together. Well, sadly, it is not.

I want to say that leave is the time to pick up the pieces of what has been broken in the relationship and make up for all the lost time as well. However, that is completely impossible. Nothing will ever make up for the lost time, and that is just something we all accepted when he signed his life over to the military.

This homecoming has probably been the most important so far. The first deployment is over, and I question why I write this out with "we" and "our" struggles when really I had nothing to do with it.

He deployed, he had the experiences of new countries, he survived the harshness of a deployment, he came back nearly unaffected, and he did it himself. I had no part of this, so why am I taking partial credit?

I like to think that we are a unit. As we are hopefully going to be married one day, I am already in the mindset of we and us. I may not have personally gone through anything with the military and deployments, but I stayed back and remained as strong as I could.

Anyways, this homecoming week should be filled with conversation, togetherness, and trying to repair the damage done to our relationship.

Let me just say, trying to maintain a relationship over the phone or through text is incredibly difficult. I would never recommend a long distance relationship, but I take full blame for being a hypocrite.

The real deal is that this past week has not been full of smiles, conversations of catching up on the last eight months, nor has it been any easier than the last 40 weeks.

What is life like while he's back?

Mostly, it has been him visiting his family and other people while I go to school and work during the day. I don't usually see him during the daylight hours. When the night does come around, he would come over to my apartment and immediately fall asleep. During the night, it's not all warmth and cuddling, rather it's full of tossing and turning, along with swinging arms and legs. In the mornings, we part ways without much of a conversation. The times we did get to spend more than an hour of waking moments together, it's been muffled by loud music, homework, and other distractions. My friends and family ask if we have gotten to talk much, and I have to honestly reply with no. We don't really converse at all.

I like to think that I am a priority, but as we grow up into adults, I am constantly reminded of a really important lesson: Pick your battles. I want to cry out for attention and bring up that I don't feel like I'm being treated right, but there are so many outside factors. I am not number one, and I'm probably not number two either. Another important lesson I have learned over the short periods of time that he gets to come home is that he will spend it how he wants. If that means not giving our relationship the same amount of attention that he used to give or the amount that I think it deserves, then so be it.

I definitely question if this is how I want the rest of my life to be, but then I am reminded that God works in mysterious, yet amazing ways throughout my life. I realized how quiet I truly am, and how I enjoy being quiet. I can be entertained while being completely silent for an extended amount of time. This may not be the best relationship quality, but it just might work out for my future. I used to really enjoy having someone to talk to about everything, but as I grow up, I realize that I don't need to do that. I don't need to have someone to come home to and just explode on about my day and life. I am content in my own solitude.

I would never have described this as my ideal relationship, but God has a plan for me. He shaped my heart in such a fashion that these current obstacles are beatable, and He knows that I will push through.

As for my hopes for this upcoming week: I don't really have any expectations. I don't expect to see him every day, and I don't expect to even hear from him every day.

He will do what he wants with this leave time, and I have to accept that.

Pick your battles.

Stay strong, resilient, and patient.

"Blessed are the hearts that can bend, for they will never be broken."