I was so full of life, not a second went by when I was not smiling or laughing with my friends. I was the life of any room I entered; an infectious joy surrounded me like a beam of bright light because that is what I was. I was a bright ray of yellow sunshine that believed there was still good in the world. I was so happy and thought my life was so perfect even if it was not because I was happy. Then it happened.

I was raped.

My perfect world came to a screeching halt. That ray of bright yellow sunshine began to turn to a grey cloud. I did not smile or laugh anymore. I was too ashamed to tell anyone because, I did not want to be labeled as “the girl who was not strong enough to defend herself” when the truth is, I tried to fight but then I froze because I knew I was not going to win this battle.

After it happened I wanted to hide and blend in, because if I blend in then no one can tell right? They cannot see what he did to me, the things he took from me, and the innocence he took from me if they cannot see me. The evil I once thought would never get to me, had, and I constantly wonder what I did to deserve this and what made him think it was okay to do that to me?

I was raped and that man, that person I trusted, took a part of me that I will never get back. But it happened to me, it does not define me. There is no justification for why he did what he did and it will never make sense as to why he did it, but it was not because of something I did. I was not asking for it. I was not coming on too strong. I was not wearing inappropriate clothing. He was not lonely and just needed someone to take his frustrations out on.

My best friend raped me my senior year of high school, I was in sweatpants and a hoodie and I sat in his car on the way home from a soccer game while he talked on the phone with his girlfriend and then it happened, once he hung up the phone, it happened. He took my innocence.

But, being raped does not define who you or I am. It is just something that happens and we have to face reality. It may have taken a part of us but, being a rape victim is not who we are. We are still that bright yellow ray of sunshine; we still laugh and bring joy to every room we enter.

It may feel like he took everything from us and it may feel impossible to get up some mornings because you are still scared. You will still panic in situations where you feel uncomfortable, but that is okay, I still do too. But he did not take our joy.

The things that happen to us in this world do not define us and sometimes we will experience a lot of evil and it is not to punish or to hurt us but to help us grow.

I know that seems impossible to understand because at times the pain can be too much, but you WILL make it.

You WILL find your joy again.

You WILL smile and laugh again.

You WILL trust again and you WILL appreciate this life so much more.

He may have made you feel worthless and unworthy of love but, you are priceless, there is not another soul out there like yours and there are so many people in this world that love you and that need you and your joy.

So hold up your head and show the world your beautiful smile and be proud of who you are because what we go through in life does not define us but how we let it affect us does. It will not be easy and it will take time but I promise you one day your life WILL make sense again and you WILL get past this because you are more than just a rape victim. Being raped does not destroy us instead it makes us stronger. I promise one day you will be able to smile and say to the man who took your innocence,

I am priceless

I am beautiful

I am loved

I am joy, and

What you did to me does NOT define me.

I am still me, just stronger.

I am still a beautiful ray of sunshine and no one can take that away from me.

“Even the darkest nights will end and the sun will rise.” — Victor Hugo