You've been weighing on my mind more and more and my first instinct was to write about you. Lately, I've been missing you more, but I often question if I have the right to miss you, after all, I didn't really know you. I've had people ask me before "How can you miss him if you were just a baby?" but me only being only a baby will never change the fact that you were my grandpa. Maybe missing you isn't the right feeling, it's more like there's a hole in my life and in my heart where you should be. I can feel your absence, but I also know that you are watching over me.

I love when I get to hear stories about you because they give me an idea of who you were. It breaks my heart that I will never have stories of my own about you to tell. I know you were not perfect, but if there is anything I've gathered from the stories I've been told, it's that you loved me very much. There are days where I crave to feel that love, but I know it never truly went away. You may not be here physically, but I know you're looking over me and sending me your love everyday.

You said I was here to take your place and the timing of it all, makes it seem like that is exactly what God had in mind. Maybe I came into this world when I did so I could be the light in my family's darkness. If I really was put here in your place, I hope that I am making you proud. I know you would love me no matter what, but I hope that you're happy with where I am and where I am going. Even when I get off track and make mistakes, I know that I have to get back up and push on, because I'm doing this all in honor of you.

There are days I want you here so bad it makes me sick. You were too young, I was too young. I know you missed a lot of important things for people who loved you, but I feel so cheated by life. You missed a lot of graduations and marriages and births and I know it may sound so selfish, but you missed my 1st birthday by a day. I wanted you there when I walked across the stage. I wanted you to approve of the man I would marry. I just wanted to have you here for something, anything.

I will never talk to you or hug you or know what you smelled like. I won't know what you looked like outside of pictures. The closest thing I have to you is the melted down ring I wear around my neck. That cross is a reminder of how no matter how much I missed out on with you, you will always be in my heart. I may not know what it was like to be around you, but I do know you're never far from me.

July 16th will make it 18 years since you left this earth. The people who knew you have had 18 years to heal and while it may get easier for them, the hole in my heart gets bigger and bigger. Nothing and no one will ever be able to replace the emptiness, but no one and nothing will ever be able to take away the love you gave me in just 364 days.

I love you so so much Paw Paw and I cannot wait for the day when I get to see you again.