My meager excuse of a positive body image and I go way back.

High school was when I found myself becoming truly unhappy with my gaining weight. I wasn’t involved with athletics anymore, my mounting depression made me sleep and eat more than I normally would have, and eventually antidepressants would lead to even more weight gain. I was making bad choices and I could feel it weighing on me, literally.

I was on a bad, unhealthy path and a lack of self respect and self love made me not even care about my wellbeing.

And really, I don’t think anything could have prepared me for looking in a mirror every day and not liking what I saw. Eventually, though, I guess I was fine hating what I saw because I didn’t have much respect for the person I was.

Nothing was really enough reason to change my lifestyle. I was comfortable in my unhappiness. I had always felt this way and I figured that I always would.

I don’t remember the moment I had finally had enough, but eventually I knew that I wanted more. I didn’t want to be comfortable. I wanted to be happy with myself.

My first step was getting a gym membership, of course.

When I started, I dreaded going. But now, it’s my favorite part of the day.

It began with just once or twice a week and I hated every moment of it. I felt exposed in a gym full of individuals I thought were better looking than me.

I also just wasn’t very good at exercising. I only knew how to use a few of the machines, I could only run for a short time, and the elliptical pretty much killed me.

I ran for 26 minutes during my last visit to the gym. I never could have imagined myself being able to do that all those months ago. And I’m able to be proud of what I’ve accomplished. I’m not in competition with other people, I’m competing with myself to do better. To be better.

Frankly, I feel like a badass when I leave the gym.

I can’t express how much I have gained from just exercising regularly. Not just physically, but mentally.

I’ve found a way to like what I see when I look in the mirror.

I’ve found a reason to, not just get out of bed, but leave my house, as well.

I’ve found what I’m capable of, and I want to do more for myself.

I had convinced myself that I was going to remain stagnant, simply living and breathing and going through the motions.

But now, I know that I am capable of so much more. I can see a goal and tirelessly work towards it.

I can appreciate the little accomplishments, and not let disappointment keep me from working toward my goals.

I can look at myself and be happy with what I see. I know what the person looking back at me is capable of. I don’t need to be the skinniest or the most toned. I just need to know that every day I take one step closer to being at peace with myself.

I may not know what unconditionally loving myself is, but I’m growing.