It's scary, being young and in love or even single and trying to figure out your life when it comes to relationships. There's so much that ties into it all and sometimes we just don't know what to do. All I know is, I've been broken before and I've put myself back together, I just don't know if I'm ready for that process all over again.

I've been in love once, so I know what it feels like and someday I want that back again. For now, I've been working on myself and learning something new every day. This past year has been challenging but also great at the same time. I've learned so much about myself and I've learned a lot about others too. My breakup definitely taught me some good things, it helped me to become stronger, more independent, smarter and appreciative. But along with the good comes the bad. I've went through some stages that I'm sure everyone has gone through during a breakup. These stages can vary from person to person but I went through four as far as I have been able to tell. I've went through a denial stage where I was just in shock for so long and I didn't think I was ever going to be okay again. I've went through the vulnerable stages where anyone can saying anything to you and you believe it first hand and just go with it--not assuming you're going to be used or hurt again. I've went through the "I'm going to put up walls stage" where I didn't really want a part of anything and trusting people was hard. Finally, I made it to the recovery stage where I knew that I was back to the old me, but a new and improved me, and I was fully recovered. After I went through those stages I started to feel myself getting better and I let go of grudges and I felt as if I was ready to start over again with someone new.

When I was a sophomore in college I met this guy. There was something about him that just stuck and I couldn't figure out what it was. We spent about two months with each other and I wasn't sure where things were going or how to feel about it. I knew I was ready to start something new with someone and I was ready to put my heart back out there but that didn't mean that I wasn't going to get hurt. In today's day there are so many different labels two people can have that I just didn't know what to think. Two people can have two totally different ideas in their head about what exactly is going on. I think that's what I was most scared of, and still tend to be, is that if I make myself sound too interested or too available I could scare someone off if that's not what they're after. But if I'm too reserved and nonchalant they could think I don't want anything serious or that I'm not interested. In my eyes, communication is key to make sure you're on the same page with that person not two chapters ahead or four chapters behind. Anyways summer was coming and we figured it was best to just stop what we were doing and just let it be. I can't tell if I was fine with it or I just pretended to be.

After a couple weeks we started talking again and my mind was just racing with thoughts. Everything I had thought about before was happening all over again. I was thinking one of two things. One, I should just stop now before I get let down, too invested or hurt. Or two, I really want to give it another shot, and why should I worry about it, I need to just let things happen and not be so "what if" all the time. Well, I went with number two and I decided to give it another try, I should have known I'm not really one to give up on things, especially when my heart and mind are both in conflict with one another.

So here I am, back to how I was before, better and all glued up, every piece. I guess part of me is just scared to get hurt again, but we learn from these things in life and I don't ever regret the choices I've made or the people I have met along the way. One thing I do know for sure is if this guy isn't the one, that's okay, break my heart, shatter it into a million pieces if you want but you know what? Even though it's not the outcome I might want, I know that I will be okay, maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but someday I will be. The reason I know this is because the first time I didn't think I would ever be okay and I didn't think I could ever fix myself, but I did and I couldn't be happier. I went from the denial stage to the recovery stage once and I guess if I have to do it all over again I will.

Even though the guy I'm scared to love is the guy I'm afraid to lose, it's okay because I'm better now and I've learned a thing or two.