I have always had these high expectations of what falling in love would be like.

In middle school, I dreamed of going to the movies with a boy and getting kissed in the back row. In high school, being the cheerleader that I was, longed for the moment after a football game that my quarterback boyfriend would lift me into his arms and kiss me. And in college, the place where people meet their soulmates and plan their futures, expected to meet my husband on the first day of classes after lending a boy a pen. Maybe my expectations were a little too high. But could you blame me? Movies and novels filled my brain with the idea that falling in love was easy. I suppose it could have been if I ever allowed myself to be in a relationship.

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Which brings me to another point about myself: I have never had a boyfriend. I know what you are thinking: how are you going to find love if you never have a boyfriend? Great question. I thought of love as this instant feeling that when I meet someone, I would just sense our ability to fall in love and go for it. I have never felt that feeling.

Some girls, like myself, spend years watching their best friends go in and out of relationships. I have seen the highs and lows and everything in-between, and for the longest time I craved it. I was surrounded by people claiming to be in love with their gushy instagram posts and sappy snapchat stories and as much as I tried to hide my interest, there was a huge part of me craving that affection. I spent all of high school trying to figure out what was wrong with me. That sounds dramatic. And it probably was. Yet, I always compared myself to other girls anyway. That mindset of feeling inadequate stays with you for so long.

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I often reflect on my life from when I was younger to now. I look at the decisions I have made and the paths I have chosen. I used to think falling in love was easy. Yet, loving myself is the hardest challenge I have ever faced. I forget to put my own happiness first, I live to impress others, I strive for perfection, and I take criticism to heart. And for what purpose? To live each day with a scowl on my face because I cannot see all that I have to offer this world?

I am clumsy, I am gullible, and I am loud, but I am beautiful, I am kind, and I may be the girl who has never been in love, but I will not be the girl who forgets to love herself.