Loneliness seems to be a growing trend in my life. For every year or at least every few years, I can pick out specific instances where I felt especially alone or relatively hopeless.

What better place to start than the beginning. I remember very little from preschool, so I’ll start in elementary s9chool. Because my brother and I are twins, we were in every class together from preschool until about second or third grade, which was when the school system decided twins must be split up to become separate individuals and therefore have personalities all their own.

My brother and I were very close when we were little, not that we had much choice otherwise, and even shared a room for most of our childhood. But when we had to split into different classrooms, I felt a little lost. My brother was always a little more outgoing than I was, so I felt weird branching out myself.

On top of being split up for normal classes, my twin and I were in G&T (Gifted and Talented) and then PEG (the Program for the Exceptionally Gifted) due to our advanced intellectual abilities for our age group.

In G&T, we were simply doing advanced work for our grade but in PEG, we were doing math for one full year ahead and language arts for two full years ahead (for example; in fourth grade, we were doing fifth grade math and sixth grade language arts. By the time we got to fifth grade, we had essentially been in sixth grade already).

At one point, we were both in the normal G&T/PEG classes for academics, but I then tried out for G&T Arts while he did his own thing. I felt alone then too and less-than-prepared for this new adventure because all the other kids in my class were very artistically talented while I seemed to pale in comparison. I’ve always had some trouble with being on my own because I’m a pretty dependent person.

Fast forward to middle school where my brother and I skipped from fifth grade right to seventh thanks to PEG. New school, new classmates, new dress code. I imagine how we felt was the equivalent of if we had switched schools, which we’ve thankfully never had to do. I can still remember that first day of homeroom. The other two girls at our table of four gawked at the fact that we had just come from elementary school—not in a bad way though.

Unfortunately, not everyone was as nice as them.

I never thought about us skipping a grade as us being smarter than the other kids. I saw it as us caring more about grades than they did and having a higher capacity for learning, even if my memory sucked. We went from getting some of the best grades in our classes in elementary school to getting some of the best grades in our classes in middle school, despite being the youngest in our grade.

Everyone mocked us before they even knew us, never stopping to get to know the real people behind those frightened yet stony facades. They called us cocky even though we rarely even talked. They glared at us when we finished tests and assignments before them. We both only had a handful of friends, but at least we had each other.

Middle school proved to be pretty lonely at first but got better for me thanks to band. So, naturally, I joined band in high school as well. The first few years of high school were about as good as they could be, considering how shitty high school is in general. By then, people had seen that my brother and I were actually good people, so most of the bullying had stopped.

All was well. But junior and senior year were a different story. I had started dating this guy, my first real, long-term relationship. Perhaps I’ll go more in depth in another article, but long story short, it was not a healthy relationship and it lasted way longer than it should have.

I tried to talk about those issues with a few close friends, but one friend couldn’t be bothered to talk about my issues, only hers (needless to say, we also aren’t friends anymore). Another friend couldn’t fully understand my situation or provide help due to her lack of experience with what was involved. I felt the closest to the two of them, so I felt I couldn’t really talk to anyone else about it all.

I thought I had to deal with it on my own. There’s no worse feeling than being surrounded by people who care about you and not being able to actually go to them because of your own mind. I should also mention I’ve had trust issues my whole life, which didn't help my case.

My first year of college, although it was probably the best year of my life thus far, was also probably the most alone I’ve ever felt. I chose to come to a small school that is not only three and a half hours away from home but is also in another state.

I wanted to be away from home—not too far, but far enough. Susquehanna is perfect for me in that aspect. I had a terrible roommate but I made friends right away thanks to the cousin of a [former] best friend.

I only talk to maybe three people from high school on a regular basis, one of which also started college last year and one who started this year, so I don’t really feel like I’m missing out on anything back home. Whenever I had issues last year, I couldn’t really talk to any of my closest friends back home.

One only really cared about herself, one was also busy with school and I could never remember her class schedule, and one didn’t use her phone often, causing Snapchat to become our primary source of contact—when she actually went on her iPod and had Wi-Fi. Not to say that these friends weren’t there for me when I needed them, but if I wanted an immediate response, I couldn’t rely solely on them for my own sake.

At the time, I had not built up strong enough personal trust with any school friends and I felt bad asking for help, seeing as I usually keep to myself and prefer to help others instead.

I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know where to turn. I had considered the counseling center but I had heard appointments were hard to make (as in you would get an appointment in a month or more from when you called). It’s not that my school friends weren’t willing to help, my mind just couldn’t let me go to them and I didn’t want to be a burden.

My pain started to become noticeable, and a friend reached out to me. He and I would talk about anything that was bothering us or our past or just anything and I joked that we were each other’s therapists.

And it really helped. I didn’t feel alone and I didn’t feel hopeless. Talking things out may not be for everyone, but I encourage anyone who isn’t feeling okay to reach out to someone. Don’t wait for someone to reach out to you like I did. You can choose anyone, as long as you trust them and you don’t force your problems on them. You must both be willing. It’s okay not to be okay, but it isn’t okay to do nothing about it.