Ah, finals week. Also known as the spawn of Satan, these mere couple of days are essentially the bane of every college student's existence. We spend weeks preparing to be tested on material from the past four months, praying that our all-night cram sessions will pay off. I've heard your cries, and I've felt your pain. I've discovered that brewing your coffee with Redbull not only increases studying productivity, but also allows the human brain to see sounds. The stress leading up to this week is nothing compared to what we go through while mourning the loss of some dear friends we all share - our social lives and our sanity.
Stage One: Denial.
The date is April 4, 2016. You're sitting in class, 30 percent listening to your professor's lecture and 70 percent planning what you'll make for dinner tonight (pasta, as always). You immediately snap out of your trance when you hear that dreaded sentence: "Finals are coming up soon, so make sure you all start studying now!" No way, you tell yourself. You've got a solid three weeks before you need to worry about exams. They don't even start until May! Back to thinking about lasagna.
Stage Two: Anger.
"Why do we even have finals, anyway? They don't measure our intelligence, they measure our memorization skills. Just because we forgot a few vocab words from the beginning of the semester doesn't mean we're incompetent. These exams are nothing but a standardized testing tool designed by old people to make us feel like numbers instead of students. So stupid. I'm not studying. HA, take that, corporate America." -Your thought process, circa April 15.
Stage Three: Bargaining.
The date is now April 21. Average college student rationale:
"Alright so maybe finals week is coming in a little hot, but that doesn't mean I have to give up having fun! I can study for two exams today, and still go to the mixer on Friday. It's all about balance. Honestly, I could probably talk my way out of the bio exam if I really wanted to. That professor is so easygoing, I don't even need to be worried. Besides, if I fail one exam I still have three more to maintain my GPA. I've got this."
Stage Four: Depression.
It's April 28, the Friday before exam week. You haven't started studying yet, and your first final is on Monday. You've accepted that all hope is lost and it's time to conduct some intensive research on how to become a billionaire as a professional dog petter. You haven't showered in days, natural sunlight hasn't reached your room since Tuesday, and your roommates are partially convinced you died. What you're experiencing is a phenomenon I like to call "exam-induced depression." The recipe for this illness is a pinch of procrastination, a dash of an "I have given up" attitude, and a hearty tablespoon of internal self-hatred. However, EID can be treated if handled properly, which leads me to the final stage:
Stage Five: Acceptance.
It is now Sunday, May 1. You took a bath, proved to your roommates you still exist and cracked open your Econ textbook. There's no turning back now; finals week is here and the only thing left to do is rally and try your hardest. Now that you've reached the acceptance stage, you can dedicate all of your time to studying and facing reality. You made the mature decision to reach out to other friends preparing for the same test, and you formed a last minute study group. Finals won't be that bad, you know all the material and you just have to stay focused. If all else fails, don't sweat it. You tried, so just remember one very inspiring quote:
"If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything." -Bill Lyon
