I know exactly when it began to creep back into my life. Somewhere between you leaving and me trying to get over you. It wasn't very obvious at first, in fact, I was more than confident in myself-in my mental wellbeing, thinking there was nothing at all wrong with my healing process. I would catch myself being an emotional wreck, or not being able to focus on anything around me because my thoughts would be running at full speed. I don't know where in the world they were running to. Probably somewhere far away from me considering I brought them nothing but aches and pains. Weeks had passed and I thought I was doing much better. I would go out with my friends almost on a daily basis, I guess drinking every day should have been the first sign of distress. I 'seemed' to feel happy, but every time I would come back to my empty apartment, pieces of me would just crumble, and all I wanted to do was distract myself.
I know exactly what the signs and symptoms of depression are, considering this isn't the first time I've been unfortunate enough to experience this dreadful illness. What upsets me the most, is not the fact that I am depressed because you left, no don't flatter yourself. I am feeling the way I am because I see how my life isn't turning. out the way I want it to. I keep comparing everything to my last semester, which was great, and can't help but feel so helpless and out of touch with my life. I only go out so much to distract and distance myself from, well, myself and all those uncontrollable thoughts that keep screaming at me. I no longer find comfort in my own home. All I want to do is be anywhere but at home. It's quite sad, considering your home is your space- a safe haven where your mind takes a break from all the crap in the real world.
That unsettling feeling is now living permanently at the bottom of my stomach, in all my limbs, in my head, and even in my heart. The feeling makes me wants to forget about everything in my life and sleep through it. I cannot focus on school, I cannot focus on work. This unsettling feeling has completely taken over my entire life and it sucks.