Sometimes, you believe to be home to the most confusing things in the world. Your stomach is a swirling met of sensation and speculation, and you live everyday with complete uncertainty and a probable backlash from another side of yourself. Though you feel you are a part of the sun and can ride on its bright beams, you also lurk in moonlight and walk the dark streets with power in each step.
I’ll tell you this. Don’t let people take up space in your head for free. There are seven cardinal sins and seven virtues to vanquish your bursts of self-doubt. And from that, start showing up in the mist of the morning for a communion with your fears. Don’t let people and their words spider their way into your mouth, nor feel bad about spitting them out, saying no, and standing your ground. When you lack confidence, and hunch over with rocks settled between your vertebrae, let go of apologies. Embrace the fiery red within you, and search in the bleakness of space for a bright light. Though sitting in the same seat in class, the same coffee order, and the same morning routine is comfortable, strive towards being uncomfortable. If you’re going to fuck up, fuck up big.
Loving yourself is difficult. It’s nothing you can pick up overnight, nor is it something that somebody can offer to you in the palm of their hands. It isn’t something you can find in other people, it isn’t tucked away in a chest on top of a magical mountain. I believe it is a mystery and is something you accumulate through the yarn of time. The self-yearning and aching for love is extremely real, and I believe it’s a battle between finding it or never finding it.
God, isn’t it selfish when you open your mouth and tell the truth. Nobody wants to hear it and nobody wants it from you. Everybody just wants you to listen. Absorb what’s thrown your way, and be good. To swallow the knuckles off your thumbs, wrap yourself in a thick cloth and follow the river into the deepest parts of the ocean.
But tough love is the sweetest medicine. Keep searching in the bleakness of space for a bright light. Acknowledge the desire and dreams kept hidden in your stomach, take that lantern you’ve been providing for everybody to see, and lock it away for a little bit. Let others hold it up for you. Don’t let anybody consume your spark and look for love in the smallest places - the tea in your honey, the golden sleepiness you melt into before you go to bed, the pitter-patter of footsteps and the warm feeling you get when you’re with your best friends.
“You have to love yourself because no amount of love from others is sufficient to fill the yearning that your soul requires from you” -Dodinsky