The 'F' Word No One Talks About

The 'F' Word No One Talks About

You deserve to forgive them

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I recently shared on Twitter that I was embarking on a “Forgiveness Journey." This was inspired by my wonderful mother, who always knows best. She encouraged me to do this after I casually made a sly remark to her about someone who I had a conflict with over a year ago. She could sense the hurt that was still in my heart from what I tried to disguise a simple comment.

No, this post is not all about how wise my mom is. Although, I could do an entirely separate post about that.

I began keeping a journal. Every time an evil thought about someone would pop in my head, I would write their name down. Then, I'd go back and write everything they did that made me feel angry, sad, left out, etc. I ended up doing this with anyone, from the ex-boyfriend who cheated on me to the girl who left me out of plans freshman year. It was astonishing how many people I still had bitterness towards. I mean some of these people I hadn't spoken to in like 4+ years.

After identifying how they hurt me, I'd write out why I was choosing to forgive them, not why they deserve forgiveness. Because let's be honest, we all want to be forgiven. But the last thing I want to think about when I just revisited the time Chad from the baseball team pinched my side and called me “tubby" is the fact that he deserves forgiveness because Jesus forgave us.

I know it's true…But no thanks!

What I can realize is that I should forgive Chad from the baseball team, because I deserve it.

Sometimes I'd find myself walking in fear among specific groups of people because I knew they'd bring up someone who did me wrong. Often, people want to make sure you're okay after someone hurt you, but it just ends up becoming a sequel of what ticked you off in the first place. I felt as if I had to say something about that person. Like it was my duty to solidify what kind of person they were because of something they did to me (big or small). Confession: Sometimes I wouldn't even want to talk about them, but I definitely didn't want people to forget what they did to me (WHY??), so I'd talk about them anyways. What I realized is that there is a lot of pressure that comes from being THE judge of character for everyone, & it was a job I did not want anymore. Fortunately, I didn't have to hold this self-proclaimed title!

I mean, I had anger towards people I've spoken to, maybe once or twice. It positively was not affecting their day-to-day so why should I let it change mine?

I'm not saying there isn't a season to hurt and be angry. There is. Sometimes that process takes serious time.

When that season ends, however long it takes, you may notice a couple of things indicating it's time to let it go:

  1. When you begin talking about the person or the situation, you can't stop.
  2. You find yourself wondering if that person thinks certain things about you (good or bad).
  3. You've mentally planned out a 3 part series of how you would've stood up to them if you knew what you know now.

You could keep doing all those things, or you could have a million other things with your precious and valuable time. You could focus on the people in your life who treat you right. You could make new memories that will make the bad ones fade away. There are so many beautiful ways to forgive, and ultimately, move on.

They weren't thinking about you when they hurt you, and they're not thinking about you now. Someone's inability to see your value doesn't negate your worth. You deserve the love that person refused to give you. The opportunity to feel appreciated is all yours.

Forgive them for forgetting them.

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10 Abnormally Normal Things About College

Some stuff just doesn't fly in the real world.
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College is a weird, weird place. For whatever reason, the young adults who are supposed to be cultivating their minds with all of the worldly knowledge available to them, seem to get away with quite a bit using the justification "it's college." Even the best students live abnormally while on the alien planet that is a university. So, while to us college students it may just seem like another day, here are ten things that are only normal in college.

1. Straight up theft.

In the future, if I walk into my forty-something-year-old neighbor's home and see a collection of stolen signs, stuff from the local restaurant, and property from the construction site down the road, I would definitely be concerned about the character of my neighbor. However, in college, people proudly display campus signs, traffic cones, or dining hall napkin dispensers that they have impressively commandeered - it's a cheap decoration and a great conversation starter.

2. All-nighters.

Maybe with the exception of parents of little babies, very few people willingly stay up for close to 24 hours on end. In the real world, if a friend came to you and said that they literally did not sleep the previous night, it's completely logical to be worried. On the other hand, when a friend in college says that he was up all night you laugh a little, give him an understanding pat on the back, and walk with him to the coffee line.

3. Atrocious eating habits.

Sometimes you don't have time to eat. Sometimes you order pizza at 2 in the morning. Sometimes you eat three dinners. Sometimes you diet. All I can say, is thank goodness that our metabolisms are decently high at this age.

4. Breaking and entering.

In high school, you hopefully knew everyone who entered your home. After college, hopefully, that's still the case. However, when you live in the middle of thousands of bored college students, people knock at your door, walk into parties, cut through your yard, and stop by without invitation or hesitation. It keeps life fun, but still not normal.

5. Calling mom when stuff goes down.

I really doubt a time will ever come that I don't need to call my mom for guidance on how to do something. But, hopefully the frequency of those calls with go down a little bit post-graduation. Maybe after four years of doing it on my own, I'll know how to fill out government forms, cook real dinners, and get stains out. But for now, I'm going to keep calling while I still can without seeming totally pathetic.

6. Being intoxicated at weird times.

Drunk at noon on a Friday is the quintessence of an alcoholic at any time - unless it's college. Not that this is necessarily a good thing, and it certainly doesn't apply to everyone, but there aren't many other places where people would instantly assume someone is intoxicated if they're acting even a little weird. I've even seen people drink in the library....

7. The messed up dating scene.



There are people who meet the love of their life at college and live happily ever after. They are people who meet the supposed love of their life at college and never talk to them again after Sunday. There are people who use Tinder. Hormones are high, freedom is bountiful, and football players are cute - what else needs to be said?

8. A warped sense of time.

The career I'm pursuing will require me to be at work by 7 am, five days a week. I am fully aware of this. Now, will I enroll in an 8 am next semester? Absolutely not - I'm not a demon. In college, nights often start at 10 p.m., dinners are eaten at 4, and mornings can begin anywhere from 8 to 2. We don't get that whole 9-5 idea.

9. Costumes... for no apparent reason.

High schoolers have a dress code. Adults have dignity. College students have fun. Here, people will wear a corn costume to get on ESPN, a fanny pack to get into a fraternity, or a tutu to match a theme party. Is it actually a weird thing, though? No one even blinks an eye.

10. Insanely close friends.

Name another point in your life when you live with your friends, study with your friends, drive with your friends, eat with your friends, go out with your friends, and even grocery shop with your friends. I'll wait. At college, it's easy for friends to seem like family because you're with them constantly. Love it or hate it, it's weird about college.

So, enjoy this weirdness while you can - it won't last forever!


ALSO SEE:

Uncensored Roommate Confessions!

Cover Image Credit: Matthew Kupfer

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To All The Girls Out There, Everyone Is Responsible For Their Own Happiness

You are not ideal. Nobody is perfect.

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Your body belongs to you, and no one is allowed to violate it without your permission. If a man forces you to have sex when you do not want to, it is rape. If someone hits you, even a slap, it is violence. No matter whether the man is your father, brother, husband, or lover, no one is allowed to invade your body in any way.

Do not let anyone say that you cannot do something just because you are a girl. It is a bit rough to say, but if it doesn't need "that thing" to do, it is not just for men. If you want to study engineering, study engineering. If you want to beat the drum, play the drum. If you want to play soccer, go to the football field. If you want to love a woman, find yourself a girlfriend.

Many people will ask if you have a boyfriend or not and if you don't, they will feel very pity. It is as if women must have a man next to them to fulfill their mission as a woman. That's silly! You are a perfect, individual and independent person. You can choose to have a single life if that suits you. You can choose to love someone because that person makes your life beautiful, not just to show it to someone else.

In many cultures, there may be people who advise you that women have to wait for men to ask them out because men do not love women who are actively chasing after them If you listen to that advice, you might still be single for a long time. Some men like shy women. Some others like women that are strong and energetic. Just be yourself! Follow what you want, and you will meet the man who loves you for who you are. If you pursue someone who doesn't like you just because you're "active," that person doesn't fit into your personality anyway.

Also in some cultures, you will probably meet a man who wants you to stay at home to do the housework. If you want to spend time raising your children, that's a good thing. If you want both spouses to work and share the burden of housework, that is also a good thing. I already met many women pursuing careers, and their husbands help them by staying at home to do the housework, that is no problem at all. A decent man will listen to your wishes and have confidence in himself to overcome social prejudices about the role of the husband. Both can discuss to come up with a decision together. No one can impose you on their 'ideal woman' model. You are not ideal. And nobody is perfect.

I realized that beautiful women have many benefits. You can learn how to do makeup, use your beauty as a weapon to get what you want. But beauty is not your responsibility. As poet Warsan Shire said: "My existence is not about how desirable you find me." So be beautiful, inside and outside.

If you want to have gender equality, you will have to give up the rights that only women can have. You are not entitled to claim that your boyfriend has to pay for your dinner. If both of you have your career and make money, then both of you should pay. You don't have the right to ask your boyfriend to pick you up wherever you go. You have legs so that you can go by yourself. You are not allowed to make your boyfriend wait for you more than an hour just because you don't know and cannot choose any appropriate clothes to wear. No one is allowed to make others wait for them. But if your boyfriend voluntarily does all the things for you without any complain, then congratulations! You are lucky to have both gender equality and a beautiful relationship.

Finally, remember that you can control your life completely, and whether or not you are happy, it depends on you.

Wishing your life will be filled with peace and love.

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