I’m talking about the 7:53 am (precisely) express train to the city, where men in suits and overly-gelled hair carry the Wall Street Journal in one hand and a black coffee in the other, where women in the latest Ann Taylor pantsuits have two handbags in one hand, one Gucci and one Tory Burch, typing emails on their phones, and where I, among a few other summer interns, stand awkwardly with Snapchat open on my phone in one hand and a bagel in the other hand.
1. The two people who are having a conversation for the whole entire car to hear.
They don’t even try to keep their voices down, despite the dirty looks from the old woman across the aisle. Does everyone really need to know about what Kathy said to Ashley during yoga who told Dylan during dinner who told Jimmy during poker night??
You're in the back like
2. The one person on the phone who is trying to talk quietly to their mother about their new job in the city.
But if you’re sitting next to them, you can hear about what Kathy said to Ashley during yoga from four seats away and next to you, what the supervisor commented on their marketing project and how it might be their big break in the department and you just wanna...
3. The person who plays their music too loud.
Please, unless you're playing Wild Thoughts, no one wants to hear the muffled EDM song you’re playing at 8 in the morning.
4. The stressed lawyer furiously scribbling on documents.
You don’t know what their reading, and you’re wondering about why there are colons down the middle of the page, but you definitely recognize the patterns of stressful highlighting and commenting (ahem, high school English class). And you feel bad for them working on whatever they're doing.
5. The guy who sits on the window side and always falls asleep with his mouth open.
Hm, he better watch out for them flies. He's the guy you vaguely know through mutual friends and you might be friends with on Facebook, but you can’t quite remember.
And frankly, neither do you care, but there’s no doubt that when the two of you make eye contact, the definition of awkward is born again. And again, when he sits in the seat near you and all you can think is, “Why are you still here??”
So uncomfortable.
7. The flustered couple with their hyper child.
Dad is sporting a T-shirt and khaki shorts with hiking sandals and a High Sierra backpack probably filled with snacks. Mom is sporting a green tank top and khaki shorts and flip flops also carrying a backpack that is also probably filled with snacks.
8. Your friend who you are pleasantly surprised and relieved to see.
Thank goodness there’s someone here you actually like. And now that they're here, you don't have to scroll through the same 20 new pictures on Instagram from last night. Instead, you can complain about the people on the train together.
And just as you're about to tell the guy from #6 to stop looking at you and yell at the crying child to shut up and pull the earbuds out of the guy from #3, your stop has arrived. You smooth your hair and walk outta there as fast you can.