You have been my world for so long, and there has not been a milestone, birthday or holiday that you were not the center of, so I try not to think about the day that God decides He needs you more than I do, because I know this day will be filled with many emotions for me.

On this day, I will lose my best friend, my confidant, my prayer warrior and a very large part of myself.

On this day, it will feel like my world has stopped spinning, and that everything in it suddenly has less meaning. I will, for the first time, realize how dark the world can be, and I will appreciate all of the love, smiles and warmth you brought to me more than ever.

On this day, it will feel like the worst day of my life, and it will take a very significant amount of time for it to register with me that it will be the very best day of yours. I will selfishly try to make deals with God and beg Him to give you back to me, and when He doesn’t, I will regrettably become bitter with Him, forgetting that he did me a huge honor by blessing me with you and also forgetting that the day you leave me will be the day you truly start “living.”

On this day, I will feel betrayed, lost and alone. I will reject the thought for a while — but eventually, I will just have to accept that what feels like the worst has actually happened. I will find myself in a heap of regret- not enough phone calls, not enough visits, not enough memories. I will feel like you left me to face this world all alone, and I will finally see how sad this world is without you. I will feel cheated by time- because no matter when this day comes I will feel like there was not enough of it to be spent with you to ever satisfy me.

On this day, there won’t be enough kind words, prayers, flowers or gifts to fill up the hole in my heart that was once filled by you. There won’t be enough visitors at the funeral home sharing good times they spent with you for me not to feel like my entire world has been stripped from me.

On the days and weeks after I will catch myself calling you just to hear your voice, trying to drop by just for a hug and thinking of all the things I never got around to doing with you. I will reflect back on all the good times, fun memories, how happy you made my life, the huge impact you left on me and how proud you always made me. I will remember your smile, your laugh, your giving heart, that look you always got in your eye when I walked through the door, the perkiness in your voice when you realized it was me on the other end of the phone and how loved I always knew I was when I thought of you, and I will realize I never appreciated any of this enough before.

On this day, I will be overwhelmed with jealousy. Jealous of the angels that now have you in their presence, and jealous of the day before that had you by my side. But, ultimately I will be jealous of you, because you will be in Heaven, where we all long to be, and you will be there without me.

On this day, I will be joyous, because I got to spend so many years with you making all the memories we have made, and because I will rest assured knowing you are in Heaven singing and shouting, and waiting for me to get there.

On this day, it will hit me that this is not a goodbye, but a see ya later, and I will listen to the song “I want to stroll over Heaven with you” on repeat for awhile thinking of how great the day I get to do so and see you again will be.