My friends and I were planning a vacation to New York City. We were all attracted to big city life and wanted the chance to experience it. We were on a four-way phone call one night when we impulsively booked a flight. Josh paid for the trip, and we all agreed to pay him back our portion when we got our paychecks that next week. The rest of the evening was spent discussing what we would all do, and if people in New York would make fun of our accents. When we got off the phone that night, three of the four of us wholeheartedly believed that we would be flying to New York in January. One of us, however, knew it was all a fantasy, and we would never actually get to take this trip — at least not as a group of four.

I met Meagan at a pharmacy that we worked at together. We were opposite in every way possible, and because of that, I don’t think that either of us saw a friendship developing in the future. I can even remember the first conversation I had with her. It was such a stupid discussion about how I loved biscuits and gravy, but I couldn’t eat them because of my latest diet. I won’t lie and say that we became friends straightaway, because we didn’t. But I will say that from the first conversation, I knew that I liked this girl.

I think it is important to understand the beautiful soul that was Meagan. She was both physically and mentally beautiful. She had brown hair that was about 10 feet long (OK not literally, but you get the point). I always used to tell her she should cut it off and loan me some. Her smile was so bright and white that it almost looked artificial (she was very into dental hygiene). Her laugh was contagious, and even if you didn’t see her walk in, the second she started laughing everyone immediately knew which room she was in. She loved tattoos and "Harry Potter." She was one of the most open-minded people I’ve ever met, and she would accept anyone. She was the mother figure of our group of friends because she was the nurturing one that took care of everyone. Any time we parted ways, she would say, “Be safe,” and would make us text her as soon as we reached our destination. She helped us with any problem we had and was never tired of listening. Mentally, she was a person with more depth than most, but she could make anybody laugh by saying something funny. We bonded over a love for beautiful words and our cats. She could spend all day watching Disney Channel movies or reading a book that was so complex, most couldn’t grasp it. She brought the party with her everywhere she went.

Fortunately, I got the privilege of being able to call Megg one of my best friends. Her uncertainty about me faded when she fell into a relationship with one of my best friends, Darrion, and I believe that he is the biggest reason that she and I became as close of friends as we did. You rarely saw Meagan without Darrion or Darrion without Meagan. Over the next couple of years, we all became a part of a group of friends that is closer than most. She stood next to me on my wedding day, and we texted as often as we could. When we both left our job at the pharmacy, we decided to work together again at a call center. It was a blast working there together, even though we both hated our jobs. She was a natural at talking to people, so she was great at what she did. We made more mutual friends working there, and she managed to develop a close relationship with all of them. She had a way of making people she met feel like the most important person in her life. I eventually got a new job, but we continued to talk and hang out when we could find time.

I have spent so much time talking about Meagan’s character because it is important to remember that this can happen to people that you least expect it.

Not long after I changed jobs, she made her first attempt. She texted me one night asking for me to bring her some Tylenol PM because she was sick with the flu. I took her the bottle of medicine, but I knew something was off when she wouldn’t let me in her house. I left the bottle by the door and went back home. The next day I texted her to check on her condition and find out if she needed anything; the text I received back made me realize that Meagan was sicker than anyone of her friends knew. She confessed to me that she had tried taking her own life the night before. In disbelief, our friend Sam and I took off to her house to check on her. Her mom had come down that morning because she sensed that something was off with Megg. We took her to the hospital for a few days to get her body’s systems back under control. I went to the hospital every day, as did many of our other friends. At this point, all any of us sought to do was let her know how loved she was. After getting out of the hospital, she moved to another state. Josh, Meagan and I Skyped almost every night of the week and texted 24/7. We even made a surprise trip to see her in her new house. A couple of months went by, and we thought she was happy again. That’s number one — don’t assume that depression just goes away. She even made a promise to me that she would never do anything like that again to her family and friends. Well, she lied.

On Nov. 23, 2015, Josh, our friend Victoria and I received a text message from Meagan. This text would have been completely normal if she would have sent it through a group text, but we all received separate “I love you” text messages. I will forever be so thankful that I texted her back and told her that I loved her too. I’m grateful for this conversation, because little did I know that would be the last time I got to speak with Meagan. That night, her mom called me unnerved because Megg hadn’t come home from work that evening. Meagan had a tendency to be dramatic, so we wanted to believe that was what was happening. Josh drove down on Nov. 24, and he and I spent the day searching for our friend without having any clue what we would find. We sent multiple text messages and called her over and over. Through a series of events, we finally learned that her phone had last been active in a town about two hours south. We all took off to bring our friend back home — Josh and I in one car, her mom and friend in another. Josh and I were headed to the Target parking lot praying that she was just depressed and needed to know again how much we cared about her. That’s the second thing — depression is never “just” depression. Do not ever blow it off as if someone should just get over it, because I assure you it is a real thing. On the way there, we got a phone call that the police had found her car, but she was not in it. Honestly, this was a relief for us because that meant there was hope that she was OK. Sometimes I am thankful that we drove down there with the hope that we would return with Meagan; sometimes I wish we would’ve known what we were going to find so that we could’ve prepared ourselves as much as possible. We were the last ones to reach the Target parking lot, a parking lot that I had recently become fond of when going on shopping trips — trips that seemed so superficial now. I was still in denial as we parked the car and got out. The whole scene looked like a crime scene from a movie. There was yellow caution tape all around a portion of the lot. It was all around a car—Meagan’s car. Police officers, detectives with notepads and people passing by swarmed around the area. Someone told me as we approached that she had been found. Not understanding, I asked the person what Meagan had been doing and where they were taking her. When I didn’t receive an answer, I resorted to the question that I wasn’t sure I actually wanted an answer to, “Is she OK?” The girl just looked at me and shook her head. Evidently the officer that said Meagan was not in the car could not see her laid down in the back. I immediately burst into a flood of emotions, the main one being a crushing sadness that I cannot begin to put into words. I made the most difficult phone calls of my life to our friends to deliver the news. This girl, a best friend to us, had been battling something that we didn’t even realize she was dealing with. She had finally surrendered to the pain she had been feeling. I couldn’t force myself to believe that she was the one the photographer was snapping pictures of in the car in front of me. It couldn’t be her because she would have come to one of us before concluding that something this extreme was the only way out. This person I thought I knew so well had fooled all of us. I should’ve known somehow, and I should’ve done more to help her. In a way — it was my fault as much as it was her own. The rest of that night was a blur of questions and theories. It didn’t feel real then, and writing this now, it still doesn’t feel real.

My objective in writing about the death of this wonderful person is to raise awareness about suicide and depression. They go hand in hand and are both cruel realities of the world that we live in. We typically live in our own bubble, trusting that people are never going to die — and even if they do, it certainly won’t be their choice. Suicide is not fair. My friends and I don’t get to hear the consolation phrases like, “Accidents happen” or “Things happen for a reason,” because the worst part about this is that it wasn’t an accident. There wasn’t a reason for this other than the ones that she believed herself. People have to stop thinking that depression is just something that people can get over. It’s not something that is easy to "get over;" it’s something that completely consumes a person until they feel utterly worthless. It breaks my heart to know that my friend felt like she was useless to this world. Just because something is not “supposed” to happen, doesn’t mean that it won’t. People don’t talk about suicide because it’s one of those bad words that nobody wants to say. Humans are so arrogant that we believe if we don’t talk about something, it makes us immune to it. My friends and I didn’t talk about suicide. We were too busy being college students and having a good time. We were just as arrogant when we read the news articles about someone taking their life — we would feel sad for them, sure, but we never actually realized how much of a problem this is in our world. In the U.S. a person takes their own life every 12.3 minutes; don’t let that person be your daughter, son, friend, sister or even someone you saw crying on a park bench. Some people can hide their depression like Megg; others are screaming for someone to help them. Don’t pretend it isn’t happening and that their feelings don’t matter. Talk with them; get them the help they need. Even if you cannot stop someone from making the same choice as Meagan, you can spend your days letting him or her know how much you care about them. Don’t be so naive to think this could never be your friend. This isn’t “supposed” to be part of my life, but it is forever now.

I know that Meagan was sick psychologically, and regardless of how many times we told her how important she was, it would’ve never been enough. However, I am thankful I got to show her love and support for the few years that I got to know her.

The day we buried our best friend was a day that is burned into our minds. We were all supposed to be planning our next vacation and living the college life when everything was ripped from beneath us. We weren’t supposed to be looking down into a casket and seeing our best friend whom we all looked up to. I’m lucky to have the greatest group of friends I could ever ask for. These days we make a habit of saying, “I love you,” and we try to talk almost every day. Appreciate your loved ones, because sometimes you may not know what is going on inside of them. It can happen to anyone.

For anyone who is dealing with the loss of someone through suicide, it doesn’t get better — it just gets tolerable. You learn to live with the pain. As time goes by, you will think of them every day, and you will still cry at random moments to their favorite songs, or seeing their favorite animal. But you will make it through, even though you feel like you will have a lump in your throat for the rest of your life. Don’t blame yourself, because people who take their lives don’t understand how to receive love and accept it as something they deserve. Try to remember them in the happiest part of your life and theirs, and use their wrong decision as an opportunity to help others. I can’t tell you that the loss will ever feel real, because for me it still seems like a dream, until I pick up my phone to text someone that will never respond.

For anyone who is thinking of suicide as a way out, please think about the people you are hurting. You think that by removing yourself from the world, you won’t have to deal with the pain anymore. You believe that you aren’t good enough and that you can never, in Meagan’s words, “repay the world” for everything that it has given you. People who do things for you do them out of the kindness of their hearts and the love they have for you. They usually expect nothing in return. If you make the decision to end your life, you are taking the easy way out and leaving the rest of the people around you to suffer. Even people you don’t remember meeting will be taken aback by your passing and will be affected in some way. You make a difference to people, and you have a reason for being on this Earth. Sometimes life is hard; we go through things that seem completely unbearable at the time, but try to remember that you must walk through the desert to get to water. By that I mean you cannot remain stagnant; take the steps you need to take to get the relief you want without ending your journey. People love and care for you, and if you take your own life, these individuals will forever struggle with the pain of wondering if they could have done more for you. If you don’t want to live for yourself, stay alive for the ones you care about, and eventually, you will find purpose. Death is a part of life, but don’t choose your time to go.

“The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it, because it’s only the intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles, wood rots, people, well they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they go on and on.”