Ahhh, college — a time in every young person's life that just can't come soon enough. Leaving for college was one of the most exciting times of my life, but, like any 18-year-old, it brought some anxieties along with it. Finally being on your own with no parents and no one telling you what to do.
It's all you.
Or at least that's how it appeared. In reality, the majority of college students (including myself) are piggybacking off their parents. We think we've finally reached freedom when, in reality, we're still calling mommy and daddy crying asking for help and more money. Throughout the four (maybe even five) years of college, we live with this sense of pride and freedom as if we have it all figured out. Then reality slaps us in the face. We have to graduate and really face the freedom we once thought we had.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve always thought of college as a “forever” situation. As if graduation would never come and that I would always be in this cycle of late night studying and binge drinking the night before an 8 a.m. lecture.
But, guess what guys? College doesn't last forever.
I’m a senior at a University and it’s just starting to hit me that there’s this whole other world outside of college. There’s a whole other world, with real problems and situations, outside of my little southern college town. One where my parents won't support me financially and I’ll have to pay mountains of bills on my own. All of this new found reality is starting to hit me right in the face and I’m not ready for it what so ever.
I’m a resilient person. I like to think I can bounce back really fast and I’m able to adapt to different situations. But what if I can't handle this on my own? I once thought going away to college and living on my own was hard. Now I’m really going to be on my own. And what’s even scarier is the fact that I don’t have a plan after graduation. I’m not going to graduate school to obtain a Masters Degree, I don't have a "post-graduation job" lined up, and frankly, I don't even know what I want to pursue as a career. But I only have 8 months left until graduation, and I have no idea what I'm doing.
Originally, I was planning on going to graduate school. I find my major, anthropology, very interesting and I genuinely love it, but I'm not in love with it. It's just like when a guy says "I love her but I'm not in love with her." You would advise him that staying with someone he loves but isn't in love with is a bad idea. Any sane human being would tell him to move on and find the love of his life that's out there waiting for him. The same rule applies here, but in my case, I never thought about it that way.
Naturally, as someone who wanted to succeed, I decided following the path of the average anthropology student was the best route for me. So I decided to meet with one of the medical anthropologists on staff to try and figure out if medical anthropology is something I would be interested in doing. It’s a field I’ve always been interested in, but I wanted to know more. I asked her if she knew of any good programs right off the top of her head, what advice she could give me, and what kinds of job options are available in medical anthropology. Then she looked at me and said “You’re not going to get into graduate school. No professor is going to want to work with you. I’m sorry but you’re not going to get in.”
My heart sank.
It took so much for me not to break down right in her office. This professor just crushed everything I’ve been working and preparing for. Deep down I knew everything she was telling me was true. But to have someone sit there and blatantly tell me that I’m wasting my time because I’m not good enough is indescribable. Once I left her office, acting as if I was so grateful for the “helpful advice” she’d given me, I wanted to immediately call my mom and cry. I was working so hard to convince myself and everyone around me that I’m more than enough to get into graduate school and become something people can marvel at. I thought my one chance was crushed.
After leaving her office, completely deflated, I asked myself: So what's next? I was forced to reevaluate of who I am. What are my passions, hobbies, interests, quirks, flaws, etc.
Who am I?
As much as I hated having her belittle me and tell me that I’m incapable of doing something, she was right. Anthropology is not my passion. So now I’m at a point where I think a lot of students come to at least once in their college career.
What's my passion?
What is going to drive me to get through all of these early morning lectures? What is going to motivate me to graduate?
And truthfully, I don’t know.
I feel as though I’m just skating through life, just waiting for one day to end and the next day to begin like I’m on the giant hamster wheel of life. I’m not going anywhere, I'm not moving, I'm just standing still. I know so many people that push themselves through all of the rigorous academics in order to get into the school of their dreams so they can propel themselves on the path to their passion. But when I was studying for the GRE, I wasn’t motivated at all. I would sit there and think about my “dream job” as an anthropologist and it still wasn’t enough to push me to study.
One thing she told me that still resounds with me is “You need to give yourself permission to be okay with deviating with your master plan.” Which sounds silly, but it’s so true. In my world, the plan has always been to graduate high school, go to a university — not a community college, go to graduate school or law school, and then you will finally be successful. My professor suggested that I take a year off from school to find out what I truly want in life, and then come up with a plan to obtain it. Now I'm forced to reevaluate my master plan, which I'm totally not okay with.
To me, deviating from the plan means uncertainty, not success.
If you’re reading this and taking a year off worked for you, then kudos. But for me, it’s scary, unpredictable, and it pushes me out of my comfort zone. It terrifies me because I'm going to be fresh out of college with no job, no plans, and I’ll be living alone with my dog and my own bills to pay. Remember when I originally said that we all thought we were truly free as college students? That laughable. Real freedom means having adult responsibilities and I don't know the first thing about that. Some of us, including myself, have it so easy. My mom pays for my college tuition and she pay's my rent. I'm incredibly lucky. But now this "smooth sailing" life that I once knew is about to be obliterated with anxiety, piles of bills, and joblessness.
Because I don't know where I want life to take me in my career.
All of our lives we’ve been told we need to “graduate quickly” and “stay on track” in order to reach success. Taking a year off doesn’t line up with these ideas. Sure, it can help you get your thoughts and finances in order, however, it can be so detrimental because it can hinder you from returning to school. Once you taste the freedom from academia, why would you ever want to go back to school?
But the point of taking a year off is to find my passions, get back in touch with my hobbies, and rediscover who I am. The fatigue of academia is a lot to bear whether you’re a college student, graduate student, or a professor. You begin to lose touch with who you are because you’re drowning in a plethora of work. Some people love the rigorous life of academia. I used to, but now that I’m a senior it’s more of a chore to me than the adventure it once was. As I stated before, I feel as though I’m just waiting for one day to end and for the other to begin. I’m in a fuzzy state of an endless cycle, just trying to find room to breathe. If this sounds familiar to you, then maybe taking a year off is something that would benefit you. Rediscover who you are, what your passions are, and the best version of you possible.
Take it from me, don't force yourself into a career you're not passionate about. I want to live a life full of happiness, a life worth living. I don't want to go throughout my days completely miserable, wishing I made a different choice. As students in our early twenties, it's so imperative that we expose ourselves to the things in life that bring us true happiness, and allow us to be okay with following those things. Rather than mindlessly following a plan that only brings us success, but no happiness. Success does not equate happiness, remember that.
Even though I don’t feel optimistic about this little adventure, but I’m going to force myself to be optimistic. I’m going to force myself to embrace this opportunity because I know it will push me out of my comfort zone and it’s going to build me into a better person. Take comfort in the fact that every single college student in the world is freaking out about their post-graduation life, just like you and me. Taking a year off sounds scary, but so does forcing yourself into doing something you don't love for the rest of your life just because it equates to success in someone else's eyes. I want to love my life and my career. Right now I don’t even know if this adventure is going to be beneficial for me. But I’m going to make it beneficial.