Hello my past Darling,
I remember the exact moment when those 3 words almost escaped your lips. I remember where I was, what I was wearing, what time of day it was, the date…I remember everything. Because people remember monumental occasions like that…or what would have been a monumental occasion.
We had been best friends for months, dating for months; but God, it felt like years. And that’s how it’s supposed to be. Dating your best friend. And I was lucky enough to say that I was. I was also lucky enough to say that I truly did love you. And no one knew that except me. That was my little secret. Of course, if we hadn’t had ended things, I would have told you, but that moment never came.
And although I may be totally wrong, I have the feeling that you really did love me too. Sure, there were moments when I doubted that fact. I doubted it with all of my heart. But my God, there were other times where I wasn’t so sure of anything else in my entire life. Actually, I believe that you almost uttered those words more than once…or you wanted to. But maybe that’s something I just WANT to believe more than something I actually DO believe.
I’m not writing this to tell you that I still love you. I don’t want to get into that because that would be a whole other letter in itself. Perhaps another time. I’m writing this to thank you for the hope that you gave me, even though a follow through was never there. And even though in the end that hope was shattered, I still had hope. And I hadn’t felt hope in a really long time.
I truly did see a future with you. And even though in my visions it was rocky and there were rough spots, I still saw it clear as day. And I wonder where we would be now if those 3 words actually did come out. From both of us.
I always wondered what would happen if I said it first…If I were vulnerable enough to wear my heart on my sleeve. But you of all people know that that’s just not who I am. But thank you for potentially loving me even though I had those stubborn and prideful qualities.
So now I’m left with a lot of questions. Some starting with “What if…” and some starting with “I wonder why…” But the question that buzzes through my head the most is “Did he ever love me?” I truly don’t know if that question will ever go away. But I do know that my answer will never change. If your answer is yes, you did love me, then I really did love you, too. And if your answer is no, you never got to the point of love, my answer would still remain the same.
I guess in a way I did wear my heart on my sleeve. I was vulnerable. I allowed myself to love after years of self-hatred. So I guess this is a letter of gratitude. Not only did you give me hope that I had potential love, but you also gave me the courage to let myself love someone again. So thank you.
With past love and immense gratitude,
Your potential ex-love and now incredibly courageous woman
