This has by far been the hardest thing I’ve ever written; more difficult than any piece I’ve written for a class or my college application essays. Finding the right words to say to you so long after they should have been said is much more complicated than I imagined that they would be. I almost gave up on writing this in all honesty, but I pulled it back out because I realize that I can’t pretend like we never happened because this changed me and I’ll never be quite the same again.
Although things started out great, that didn’t last long. When I was still at home, we saw each other all the time and we were happy. I swore that you were the one and we were going to be together for the rest of our lives. We talked about a future but never took in to consideration the amount of work it was going to take once I moved away to school.
As August grew closer, things between us went south. We started fighting. We would nitpick at each other, calling out the others’ insecurities. But that wasn’t even the worst of it… With my impending move quickly approaching I started to panic and clung to the familiar things of home that would soon be hours out of my reach, this includes you.
I did everything I could to make us work. I wanted so badly to be with you that I lost myself to keep you. I started to apologize when we fought, even if it wasn’t my fault, just to keep you happy. I agreed to anything you asked of me to appease you. I thought that by becoming who you wanted me to be, I could eventually find happiness in this new “norm” because it would keep my heart close to home.
After months of the new me, you got used to her too. The girl who would drive six hours in three days to see you for, maybe, a few hours, if you could find the time. The girl who would be content with your empty promises about coming to see her before the end of the semester. The girl who did whatever you asked because she was scared to lose what she thought was her last connection to home. The girl that I’m embarrassed to say that I ever was.
The sad part is I knew what was happening and tolerated it for far longer than I should have.
During this time, I did whatever I could to ignore the nagging voice that told me that something wasn’t right about us. I convinced myself that what I felt in my stomach in the moments that I was with you were butterflies. But I realized soon after, that what I thought were butterflies turned out to be beetles feasting on the remains of who I was before you.
I was someone unrecognizable to my friends and family, alike. My friends voiced their concerns, but I was still so far under your spell that I saw nothing wrong with the woman I had become. Eventually all of the stress became too much and things ended and I was left confused and no longer sure of who I was.
The old me was long gone, already digested by the bugs who consumed her, but the current me wasn’t who I wanted to be either. You unintentionally destroyed the woman I was, but it’s not all bad because you helped set the stage for someone better, a woman I am proud to be. So, thank you.