To The Best Friend Who Lost A Friend, It's Not Your Fault

To The Best Friend Who Lost A Friend, It's Not Your Fault

You happen to mutter the word “hi” with a simple smile on your face. Everything calms your nerves, and you suddenly remember that everything will be okay. To the best friend who lost a best friend, remember this day.

You and your best friend thought that life was merely something that would be everlasting. There was ups and downs. There was laughs and memories. There was tears and sadness. There was lightness to when it got dark and there was darkness when there was once light. To the best friend who lost your best friend, you were there through it all.

You remember the day you met your bestfriend. The day you would sit down in elementary school, or middle school, nervous for the first day. Will you make friends? Why is that girl staring at me? Do I look okay? Should I smile? You are a bundle of nerves. You happen to mutter the word “hi” with a simple smile on your face. Everything calms your nerves, and you suddenly remember that everything will be okay. To the best friend who lost a best friend, remember this day.

You cherish the times you sat together, playing Rock Band to ACDC and Bon Jovi, singing to “Living on a Prayer” and “Dream On,” nearly screaming to the top of your lungs into the cheap microphone, hoping to hit the final note and succeed on the final level while your best friend bangs away, on the drums, like a pro drummer. You reach the finale and rock out, jammin' to the old classic with your deep heavy metal voice after screaming on the top of your lungs. You cherish the laughs you made together after finally finishing the advanced level at seeming like an actual pro. You cherish the smile and obnoxious laughs between the both of you. To the best friend who lost a best friend, cherish these memories.

You sit in your home, to what seemed so empty at the time, when you hear of your best friend’s passing. Wishing you could somehow take all these cherished memories back. You wish you could dream of a day where you were both together again. You sit there screaming into your pillow, screaming your best-friend’s name in hope to bring them back to your once peaceful life. You wish you could hear their laugh, see their smile, smell their cologne or perfume, feel the gravity of their body pulling towards your heartstrings and humanity. You dream to have it all back, just to say three simple words, “I Love You.”

If I’ve learned one thing from losing a best friend, it was not my fault. It was not my fault my best friend felt a certain way. It was not my fault that my best friend made the decision that he or she did. It is not my fault that my best friend is no longer on this earth. What is my fault is whether or not I choose to cherish these memories, remember these times, and not blame myself for another person’s action. It is not my fault, nor my best friend. I long for his heart to be full. I hope his mind and body is filled with love and support from his friends and family. I remember the good he spent dreaming in this world. I remember the love he gave me. I remember the faith he had in both of our futures. I loved every waking moment I had with him. I loved being about to laugh about childish things and childish ways we once went about with making decisions. I love him and only him for being him.

On September 17, 2015, my childhood best friend committed suicide two months shy of his eighteenth birthday. On that very day, my world was turned upside down and I relapsed into a moment of anxiety and dark depression. I began to notice how my academics were declining, I began to distance myself from my friends and family, and my self-value was minimized. I couldn’t stand going outdoors into the beauty of sunshine. I couldn’t stand the smiles of happiness made by people on the streets. I would stay in bed for hours on end and would never want to leave. I thought God hated me, hated my family, and valued my disinterest in the world. I essentially didn’t want to live a life of happiness. I was stuck.

January 4th, 2016, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. That day I was medicated for my disability and I was prescribed continual psychiatry in order for me to express my emotions in a healthier manner. I still didn’t feel like myself. Weeks went by and I didn’t feel any better. My mannerisms were still at my worst and I had no faith in humanity due to my previous experiences and harsh past.

As the time continued, I would notice the gifts of what God would present before me, but I never understood the meanings behind those blessings. I began to notice a difference in my behavior and mindsets. I was motivated toward my faith and improving my mind to make a difference in my life.

February 14th, 2016, I bought a Bible. That day, I remember just paging through the beauty of the gospels and just thinking to myself, this is where my happiness lies; in the hands of God. This is the moment my life took a step forward and I was enlightened by the power of words from various disciples of our history. Within this very book, I persevered to read three pages a day, if I was eager maybe ten. Each day that went by, I felt more at peace with myself. I began to visit my local church’s cross, I’d pray to it and ask for forgiveness of my sins and my self-loathing. I felt the presence of God not only before me but in my mind and soul. I felt happier. I felt forgiveness. I felt peace.

Faith triggered me to be more giving, more forgiving, and more importantly, happier. I feel a being and purpose in this world more than I ever have before. God has a real center in this chaotic world we call home. It is because of him, I survived my illness, I realized what my purpose is and how I can make a difference just by expressing my faith to others. He is my one true love, and for that love I am forever grateful.

To the best friend, who lost a best friend. It is not your fault.

Cherish, Remember, and Love, because you are never lost. They are always here, in your heart.

Cover Image Credit: Nolan Shea Photograph

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This Is What Happens When A 3-Person Friend Group Stops Being Friends

What was once three best friends is now two guys and a stranger.

Once in a blue moon, you meet these people and just click. It is insanely easy to get along with them and the world just seems right.

In 7th grade, there was this girl who met two guys and just that happened. They all became the best of friends; they just clicked. All the way through middle school and most of high school they were inseparable.

Sadly, things didn't stay that way.

When they first became friends, it was definitely a random combination. While they were all interested in different things, they had one thing in common: each other. After middle school, they basically spent the summer staying in touch, preparing for high school, and spending time together.

In high school, things were going great! Everyone knew them as the three kids who were always together and if someone was missing, they had the answers to where he/she was. Freshman year flew by and the three friends stayed closer than ever.

During sophomore year, one of the guys got a girlfriend, and thankfully nothing changed. They all welcomed her in and treated her as their own. Life was great for those three, now four.

But soon, things would change.

The second guy got a girlfriend and she was not as accepting of the close friendship of the three as the first guy's girlfriend. She was sometimes controlling and demeaning, and when things weren't going her way, it was no way. This caused issues within the friendship, eventually breaking it apart. Soon, it went from three (and a girlfriend) to two, and life was completely different.

Fast forward to the middle of junior year and things were getting worse between guy #2 and his girlfriend. As good friends the other two wanted to tell him to just get out of the relationship before it progressed, but he was stubborn, and he wouldn't have listened to them anyway. Over time they broke up, but the friendship took a while to get back to where things used to be.

Starting senior year, the three were back stronger than ever. It looked as though nothing had ever happened between them, and no one would ever know the difference. In the fall of that school year, guy #2 got another girlfriend.

At first, things were great, he was the same guy he'd been before the relationship. Progressively he got more distant from his female friend because of his new girlfriend, and guy #1 did nothing to stop it. The two boys still stayed close but pushed the girl farther and farther away.

Over Christmas break, the boys stopped talking to the girl altogether. For two weeks they had absolutely nothing to do with her. While they hung out together and with their girlfriends (since now they both had girlfriends), they no longer spoke to the girl they've had in their lives for the last 6 years.

Now, the girl doesn't talk to the guys as often (basically never) and when she does it's only when she has to. Things aren't the same with these three "best friends" and likely never will be again.

But here's where the plot thickens... that girl was me. This is the (partial) story of how I lost my (ex) best friends to their girlfriends.

Although only one of the two guys still has a relationship with his girlfriend, the friendship has never recovered. Soon, we won't have to see one another again. Between graduating and starting college, I will finally get my fresh start. Sure, sometimes I miss them and miss having people to talk to about any little thing, or being their female voice of reason, but I won't miss being the second choice.

They chose their girlfriends over their best friend and unfortunately it's a bit too frustrating to worry about any longer. It's time to say goodbye to a friendship that once was.

I wish them both the best in life and love, but it's time for me to finally focus on myself.

My own happy and healthy relationships.

A new beginning.

Cover Image Credit: 123rf

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10 Things That Happen When You Reunite With Your College Friends

The best years of your life give you best friends for life.

Oh, adulthood.

Remember how excited you were to finally receive your diploma and put the days of midterms and final exams well behind you? And while life after graduation is a time of self-discovery and responsibility, your college years were the ones where you were carefree and adventurous and you and your friends could somehow make it out to the bars four nights a week.

Those were the years that defined you, that made you the prosperous and thriving adult that you are today. And there's nothing better than reliving the glory days with the people who were by your side through it all.

1. You take Jell-O shots like you're 21 again

Once upon a time at a university party far, far away someone decided to combine blue raspberry Jell-O with Fleischman's vodka and a tradition was born. Fast-forward five years later, two years past graduation when you all get together for so-and-so's housewarming party and someone breaks out those same blue raspberry Jell-O shots and you suddenly feel like it's freshman year all over again.

2. You prepare for a weekend of drinking like you haven't experienced in nearly a year

It doesn't matter the occasion - whether it's because your fraternity brother is gonna be in town for the weekend for a conference or because your old college roommate is visiting her cousin - you know that once night falls, you will pretend that your liver is suddenly a young and willing virgin.

3. You reminisce about all of the awful one-night stands and random hookups you had in college

Amongst old friends, nothing is off limits. And when it comes to the people who have seen you fun-drunk and dancing on a table or blackout drunk and crying about the fact that you broke the strap on your sandal, nothing rounds out a Friday night like recalling the time you hooked up with your Biology TA and ended up getting an A in your lab class.

4. All of your conversations are about boring, adult stuff

Phoebe got a new job, Rachel and Chandler got engaged, Ross is buying a house, and Monica was just made partner in her firm. You used to have conversations about who hooked up with who in the bathroom of the bar on Saturday night and how JD and Turk got into a fight because JD's girlfriend was grinding on Turk in the fraternity basement. Now, you purposely gather around wine and beer to make your boring adult lives seem much more interesting.

5. You can afford nicer alcohol and to do nicer "activites"

Yes, partying in college was probably the best time you'll ever have. You were young and hot and could show up to class on Thursday morning probably still a little drunk and pull off a solid 3.0 GPA. But now, as an adult with a real job and a salary, you still party like you're in college, but now with sophisticated tastes and hobbies.

6. Your hangovers are worse than they ever were in college

What happens between the age of 23 and 24 where suddenly, two vodka sodas and a beer leaves you bed-ridden the entire next day? In college, you could start tailgating at 10 A.M. and continue drinking until you and your friends closed down the bars and somehow find it in you to make it to brunch the next morning. Now, you and your friends take one shot of tequila and spend all of Sunday on the couch marathoning "Parks and Rec."

7. You can never find a bar that fits your age group

Once you're out of college, it seems no matter where you go, the bar is always crawling with college students. Determined to relive your glory days, you seek out some place with a decent bar and maybe some pool tables or a dance floor. What you usually find is a "hip" bar spewing out AMFs and Long Island Iced Teas while drunk sorority girls crowd around a table and giggle in the direction of the boys from Phi Kappa Kegstand and they seem to need all of the 8 chairs at their table even though there is only five of them.

8. You do keg stands and you shotgun beers to prove you're still young

I mean it when I say that you will never think you're too old to do a keg stand. And I mean it when I say that there comes a point in your life when you will be older than the number of seconds in which you can actually do said kegstand. But, because old habits die hard and your friends will always be your biggest cheerleaders, you will undoubtedly find yourself shotgunning a Coors Light and swearing up and down that you will still kick everyone's ass.

9. EVERYONE you know is talking about their wedding

This one shouldn't even come as a surprise. LIterally - LITERALLY - everyone is getting married. You can't go a day without seeing a new engagement announcement on Facebook or photos of someone's wedding popping up in your news feed. But still, you can't help but talk about all of the wonderful milestones everyone is reaching. And besides, who doesn't love open bars and free food?

10. And most importantly, you remember how much you love these people and would trade anything else in the world to be with them

These are your people. There the ones who have been there through all of highs and lows and the tail-end of your awkward stage. They love you no matter where you are on the earth and will always make you feel young again. You are meant to run with their crowd and they are mean to be the ones you run with.

Cover Image Credit: Instagram

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