To The Best Friend Who Lost A Friend, It's Not Your Fault

To The Best Friend Who Lost A Friend, It's Not Your Fault

You happen to mutter the word “hi” with a simple smile on your face. Everything calms your nerves, and you suddenly remember that everything will be okay. To the best friend who lost a best friend, remember this day.

You and your best friend thought that life was merely something that would be everlasting. There was ups and downs. There was laughs and memories. There was tears and sadness. There was lightness to when it got dark and there was darkness when there was once light. To the best friend who lost your best friend, you were there through it all.

You remember the day you met your bestfriend. The day you would sit down in elementary school, or middle school, nervous for the first day. Will you make friends? Why is that girl staring at me? Do I look okay? Should I smile? You are a bundle of nerves. You happen to mutter the word “hi” with a simple smile on your face. Everything calms your nerves, and you suddenly remember that everything will be okay. To the best friend who lost a best friend, remember this day.

You cherish the times you sat together, playing Rock Band to ACDC and Bon Jovi, singing to “Living on a Prayer” and “Dream On,” nearly screaming to the top of your lungs into the cheap microphone, hoping to hit the final note and succeed on the final level while your best friend bangs away, on the drums, like a pro drummer. You reach the finale and rock out, jammin' to the old classic with your deep heavy metal voice after screaming on the top of your lungs. You cherish the laughs you made together after finally finishing the advanced level at seeming like an actual pro. You cherish the smile and obnoxious laughs between the both of you. To the best friend who lost a best friend, cherish these memories.

You sit in your home, to what seemed so empty at the time, when you hear of your best friend’s passing. Wishing you could somehow take all these cherished memories back. You wish you could dream of a day where you were both together again. You sit there screaming into your pillow, screaming your best-friend’s name in hope to bring them back to your once peaceful life. You wish you could hear their laugh, see their smile, smell their cologne or perfume, feel the gravity of their body pulling towards your heartstrings and humanity. You dream to have it all back, just to say three simple words, “I Love You.”

If I’ve learned one thing from losing a best friend, it was not my fault. It was not my fault my best friend felt a certain way. It was not my fault that my best friend made the decision that he or she did. It is not my fault that my best friend is no longer on this earth. What is my fault is whether or not I choose to cherish these memories, remember these times, and not blame myself for another person’s action. It is not my fault, nor my best friend. I long for his heart to be full. I hope his mind and body is filled with love and support from his friends and family. I remember the good he spent dreaming in this world. I remember the love he gave me. I remember the faith he had in both of our futures. I loved every waking moment I had with him. I loved being about to laugh about childish things and childish ways we once went about with making decisions. I love him and only him for being him.

On September 17, 2015, my childhood best friend committed suicide two months shy of his eighteenth birthday. On that very day, my world was turned upside down and I relapsed into a moment of anxiety and dark depression. I began to notice how my academics were declining, I began to distance myself from my friends and family, and my self-value was minimized. I couldn’t stand going outdoors into the beauty of sunshine. I couldn’t stand the smiles of happiness made by people on the streets. I would stay in bed for hours on end and would never want to leave. I thought God hated me, hated my family, and valued my disinterest in the world. I essentially didn’t want to live a life of happiness. I was stuck.

January 4th, 2016, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. That day I was medicated for my disability and I was prescribed continual psychiatry in order for me to express my emotions in a healthier manner. I still didn’t feel like myself. Weeks went by and I didn’t feel any better. My mannerisms were still at my worst and I had no faith in humanity due to my previous experiences and harsh past.

As the time continued, I would notice the gifts of what God would present before me, but I never understood the meanings behind those blessings. I began to notice a difference in my behavior and mindsets. I was motivated toward my faith and improving my mind to make a difference in my life.

February 14th, 2016, I bought a Bible. That day, I remember just paging through the beauty of the gospels and just thinking to myself, this is where my happiness lies; in the hands of God. This is the moment my life took a step forward and I was enlightened by the power of words from various disciples of our history. Within this very book, I persevered to read three pages a day, if I was eager maybe ten. Each day that went by, I felt more at peace with myself. I began to visit my local church’s cross, I’d pray to it and ask for forgiveness of my sins and my self-loathing. I felt the presence of God not only before me but in my mind and soul. I felt happier. I felt forgiveness. I felt peace.

Faith triggered me to be more giving, more forgiving, and more importantly, happier. I feel a being and purpose in this world more than I ever have before. God has a real center in this chaotic world we call home. It is because of him, I survived my illness, I realized what my purpose is and how I can make a difference just by expressing my faith to others. He is my one true love, and for that love I am forever grateful.

To the best friend, who lost a best friend. It is not your fault.

Cherish, Remember, and Love, because you are never lost. They are always here, in your heart.

Cover Image Credit: Nolan Shea Photograph

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I Drifted But Now I'm Reaching Out

I'm not going to isolate myself anymore.

I’ve noticed that since I started college, I dropped a lot of habits. Some were habits that I really needed to get rid of, such as picking at my nails and snacking way too much. Other habits, though, I really shouldn’t have dropped. Maybe I just got too busy or lazy, or maybe it was just something for the high school me. Yeah, I’ve changed a lot in college but I’m going to try and get back into the good habits I had.

College gave me a lot of time. Suddenly I had all this free time and I realized that it was entirely up to me what I wanted to do with it. The freedom is really great, I won’t deny that, but what I noticed was that I found myself alone a lot.

Maybe it was my intention that some days I just wanted some alone time, but more often than not I found myself realizing that I hadn’t seen or talked to friends in a while. I realized I wasn’t hanging out with people anymore. I was alone.

Now, I know the importance of myself reaching out. Before I always worried that there was a reason I wasn’t seeing or talking to people as often, I mean, there was school so maybe everyone was just busy.

But I feared that I was missing out on so much was because I was unwanted in those moments. After gaining confidence, I've decided won’t isolate myself anymore. I’m an outgoing person, but I won’t be selectively outgoing anymore.

In high school, I could barely go two classrooms down without seeing someone and stopping to talk to them, and I want college to be the same way. It’s really impossible to know everyone at your college but reaching out isn’t that hard for me to do, I’ve just been lazy. I haven’t put in as much effort as I should be putting in and I know that if I want to keep some of the amazing friendships that I currently have, I need to not be distant.

It’s easy to drift away when emotions and events start piling up. Sometimes, the only thing I want to do is just lay in bed and not think about my to-do lists and schedules and problems that I have.

Once I start doing that though, I get sucked in and it becomes so hard to get the energy to get up and move. I don’t want that to be the case anymore. I don’t want to hide away with the “what ifs” and speculation as to why I didn’t go or get invited. From now on, I’m just going to go, and then see what happens.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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To My Best Friends, Thank You

I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.

I have gone through many friends in the past few years, some that lasted a while some that only lasted a few months, but you know exactly when you found your perfect person, soulmate, best friend, the one that will never get away. It’s the friends that stick with you through the toughest times and stay.

The ones you call at 3:00 a.m. because you got into a fight with your boyfriend and can’t sleep and they stay on the phone until your ready to sleep. The ones that you can count on to pick you up because you need a ride no matter where you are.

Dear Best Friends,

I just wanted to thank you for being you and for letting me be me. Thank you for letting me feel so much like myself when I’m with you. Thank you for sharing in my happiest moments, and for listening to my saddest stories and giving compassion and empathy from wherever you are. Thank you for being the only person I ever want to confide in. Thank you for being the most beautiful person, inside and out.

Thank you for making the world a better place, just by being in it. Thank you for defining selfless, always putting others before yourself, you are going to change the world just as much as you have changed mine. Thank you for all the memories we made at Disney this year on our senior trip. Thank you for practically being my second Mom.

Thank you for setting the bar so high and making it impossible to find another friend as good as you. Thank you for making these past years we have been friends feel like forever and for giving me enough memories to last a lifetime, but not ending there.

Thank you for making me hurt when I miss you, but for taking the hurt away when I see you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for the absolute privilege of being able to call you my best friend, thank you for being my person. Thank you for giving me these reasons, and a million more, to be thankful for.

I sometimes find myself looking back on my life and realizing how huge of a part you have played in keeping me steady when the rest of my world has been falling apart. How you have known what to say and do in the moments when I have felt all control slipping through my fingers.

Even if it’s just dropping everything and taking me for coffee, shopping and listening to me try to untangle the mess I call my life. Thank you for those days when the rest of the world is against me, for making me feel less alone. For believing every silly dream which enters my head and being excited for me about things which no one else understands. Thank you for always validating my emotions, for taking my side, for telling me when I’m wrong, for being honest.

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