To The Best Friend Who Lost A Friend, It's Not Your Fault

To The Best Friend Who Lost A Friend, It's Not Your Fault

You happen to mutter the word “hi” with a simple smile on your face. Everything calms your nerves, and you suddenly remember that everything will be okay. To the best friend who lost a best friend, remember this day.
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You and your best friend thought that life was merely something that would be everlasting. There was ups and downs. There was laughs and memories. There was tears and sadness. There was lightness to when it got dark and there was darkness when there was once light. To the best friend who lost your best friend, you were there through it all.

You remember the day you met your bestfriend. The day you would sit down in elementary school, or middle school, nervous for the first day. Will you make friends? Why is that girl staring at me? Do I look okay? Should I smile? You are a bundle of nerves. You happen to mutter the word “hi” with a simple smile on your face. Everything calms your nerves, and you suddenly remember that everything will be okay. To the best friend who lost a best friend, remember this day.

You cherish the times you sat together, playing Rock Band to ACDC and Bon Jovi, singing to “Living on a Prayer” and “Dream On,” nearly screaming to the top of your lungs into the cheap microphone, hoping to hit the final note and succeed on the final level while your best friend bangs away, on the drums, like a pro drummer. You reach the finale and rock out, jammin' to the old classic with your deep heavy metal voice after screaming on the top of your lungs. You cherish the laughs you made together after finally finishing the advanced level at seeming like an actual pro. You cherish the smile and obnoxious laughs between the both of you. To the best friend who lost a best friend, cherish these memories.

You sit in your home, to what seemed so empty at the time, when you hear of your best friend’s passing. Wishing you could somehow take all these cherished memories back. You wish you could dream of a day where you were both together again. You sit there screaming into your pillow, screaming your best-friend’s name in hope to bring them back to your once peaceful life. You wish you could hear their laugh, see their smile, smell their cologne or perfume, feel the gravity of their body pulling towards your heartstrings and humanity. You dream to have it all back, just to say three simple words, “I Love You.”

If I’ve learned one thing from losing a best friend, it was not my fault. It was not my fault my best friend felt a certain way. It was not my fault that my best friend made the decision that he or she did. It is not my fault that my best friend is no longer on this earth. What is my fault is whether or not I choose to cherish these memories, remember these times, and not blame myself for another person’s action. It is not my fault, nor my best friend. I long for his heart to be full. I hope his mind and body is filled with love and support from his friends and family. I remember the good he spent dreaming in this world. I remember the love he gave me. I remember the faith he had in both of our futures. I loved every waking moment I had with him. I loved being about to laugh about childish things and childish ways we once went about with making decisions. I love him and only him for being him.

On September 17, 2015, my childhood best friend committed suicide two months shy of his eighteenth birthday. On that very day, my world was turned upside down and I relapsed into a moment of anxiety and dark depression. I began to notice how my academics were declining, I began to distance myself from my friends and family, and my self-value was minimized. I couldn’t stand going outdoors into the beauty of sunshine. I couldn’t stand the smiles of happiness made by people on the streets. I would stay in bed for hours on end and would never want to leave. I thought God hated me, hated my family, and valued my disinterest in the world. I essentially didn’t want to live a life of happiness. I was stuck.

January 4th, 2016, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. That day I was medicated for my disability and I was prescribed continual psychiatry in order for me to express my emotions in a healthier manner. I still didn’t feel like myself. Weeks went by and I didn’t feel any better. My mannerisms were still at my worst and I had no faith in humanity due to my previous experiences and harsh past.

As the time continued, I would notice the gifts of what God would present before me, but I never understood the meanings behind those blessings. I began to notice a difference in my behavior and mindsets. I was motivated toward my faith and improving my mind to make a difference in my life.

February 14th, 2016, I bought a Bible. That day, I remember just paging through the beauty of the gospels and just thinking to myself, this is where my happiness lies; in the hands of God. This is the moment my life took a step forward and I was enlightened by the power of words from various disciples of our history. Within this very book, I persevered to read three pages a day, if I was eager maybe ten. Each day that went by, I felt more at peace with myself. I began to visit my local church’s cross, I’d pray to it and ask for forgiveness of my sins and my self-loathing. I felt the presence of God not only before me but in my mind and soul. I felt happier. I felt forgiveness. I felt peace.

Faith triggered me to be more giving, more forgiving, and more importantly, happier. I feel a being and purpose in this world more than I ever have before. God has a real center in this chaotic world we call home. It is because of him, I survived my illness, I realized what my purpose is and how I can make a difference just by expressing my faith to others. He is my one true love, and for that love I am forever grateful.

To the best friend, who lost a best friend. It is not your fault.

Cherish, Remember, and Love, because you are never lost. They are always here, in your heart.

Cover Image Credit: Nolan Shea Photograph

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To The Dad Who Didn't Want Me, It's Mutual Now

Thank you for leaving me because I am happy.
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Thank you, for leaving me.

Thank you, for leaving me when I was little.

Thank you, for not putting me through the pain of watching you leave.

Thank you, for leaving me with the best mother a daughter could ask for.

I no longer resent you. I no longer feel anger towards you. I wondered for so long who I was. I thought that because I didn't know half of my blood that I was somehow missing something. I thought that who you were defined me. I was wrong. I am my own person. I am strong and capable and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

In my most vulnerable of times, I struggled with the fact that you didn't want me. You could have watched me grow into the person that I have become, but you didn't. You had a choice to be in my life. I thought that the fact that my own father didn't want me spoke to my own worth. I was wrong. I am so worthy. I am deserving, and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

You have missed so much. From my first dance to my first day of college, and you'll continue to miss everything. You won't see me graduate, you won't walk me down the aisle, and you won't get to see me follow my dreams. You'll never get that back, but I don't care anymore. What I have been through, and the struggles that I have faced have brought me to where I am today, and I can't complain. I go to a beautiful school, I have the best of friends, I have an amazing family, and that's all I really need.

Whoever you are, I hope you read this. I hope you understand that you have missed out on one of the best opportunities in your life. I could've been your daughter. I could have been your little girl. Now I am neither, nor will I ever be.

So thank you for leaving me because I am happy. I understand my self-worth, and I understand that you don't define me. You have made me stronger. You have helped make me who I am without even knowing it.

So, thank you for leaving me.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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How To Resolve An Argument And Make Everyone Happy

It's not easy, but it is possible to solve a disagreement with compromise.

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I wouldn't classify myself as a "confrontational" person. I tend to avoid situations with big crowds, controversial topics, and people who have short tempers. However, to all the people reading who have trouble voicing their opinion, there is a time when everyone has to disagree with something. It might be over food, going out, or more serious topics such as politics. I feel that the one disagreement most of us face is when we are in a relationship, whether that be with a friend or partner.

Typically when someone feels strongly about a topic or situation, they aren't going to change their minds. A common misconception is that "maybe if I talk louder and say another reason why I'm right, the other person will suddenly change their mind and I will win." There are two problems here. First of all, no one ever backs down. If they feel what they are saying is right, nothing you can say to convince them will work. The other problem is that solving an argument means everyone wins, not one person.

Something I've experienced is when something bothers me, I usually don't say anything and let it slide. This causes problems in the future because of what I like to call: the Snow Ball Effect. A little thing gets blown over and it tumbles and tumbles until it's a huge problem. If something bothers you in your relationship, sleep on it, and if it still bothers you in the morning try talking about it with the other person. This solves the problems while they are small instead off waiting for a huge blow up to occur.

It's important to bring something up in your relationship in a particular manner. The situation can go south if it starts with "Look, I hate when you play that video game and you don't have time to hang out." In this case, the person will feel attacked because you are referencing that they are the entirety of the problem and likely not look for a compromise.

If you are going to bring up something that may start an argument, begin your sentences with "I feel." For example, I've said in another article about how my boyfriend is addicted to Fortnite. If his obsession ever got in the way of our plans and it bothered me, I would start my sentence off with, "I feel upset when we can't hang out because of video games." This allows the other person to see how their actions have affected you. Once you have established how you feel, you can suggest a compromise such as having certain times to play video games and others to hang out.

You've probably heard the phrase "three is the magic number" (shoutout to "School House Rock.") If an argument ever gets out of hand and there need to be changes in order to seek a compromise, try saying, "here are three things I'm going to try and do/change in order to get along." Then, ask them what they think they should change. Since you are the first person offering to adjust in order to correct the problem, they will likely be willing to as well.

Arguments are a daily occurrence and come in all types of severity. As long as you are trying to get along with someone who is willing to compromise, just keep a level head and things will work out.

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