What do you mean by the words "believe, accept, live, trust," and most importantly "walk with the Lord." I know these are small words with generic definitions, but I’m not talking about what these words literally mean, but what these words mean spiritually. I know at times I have my doubts if God is really listening to me. I know at times my thoughts are not the greatest, or even the happiest. At times I think of situations that don’t even happen, and the results of things that I think of are bizarre and sometimes very hateful. It’s crazy to know that I have all of these angry thoughts and feelings but somehow the Lord found love for such a broken individual like myself. If I was him I wouldn’t take another look at me by the way I have doubted him and been spiritually dead for most of my life.

Yes, I grew up in church. Yes, I knew of God and Jesus Christ, but I didn’t know God and I for certain didn’t have a relationship with him at all. I used many different things as a Band-Aid for what I really wanted. I wanted to be accepted and to be loved. I found these things in partying an acting like someone that I am not and just taking out some of my anger out on other people. After acting like this for a while I started to fill empty inside and started to feel like the Band-Aid was coming off. I am glad that I meet the people I did when I did because I was able to be introduced to the gospel.

I love the fact that I truly understand what God can do with my life. Now, I can say I don’t want to live this life without him. Ever since I prayed to receive Christ I can truly see that the way I was living this life was not the way it was intended to be lived. I no longer have to do things to combat my emptiness. I find fulfillment in Jesus, and the fact that I am fully loved and fully known by Him. I know that I will always struggle with 100% loving God with the fullest heart, but I will forever know that He will be on my side. I am terrified of what God has in store for my life, because for the first time in my life I’m not in control of which direction I get to go next, and I don't get to make the next big decision in my life. I know that God has a plan for my life and that I need to follow that plan. I know at times it is easier to follow the people that are physically next to me, and that are older than me. Why not, right? They do indeed sometimes know a lot more than I do. No matter who the person I trust is, God knows what I need even before I say a word. I know for the most part I am a leader, and I like to be in control of every situation that I am in whether it's a class project or watching my favorite T.V. show. For once, I will voluntarily walk blind for the rest of my life knowing that I am in the hands of the Lord, that I call my "FATHER."