I'm Finally Thankful for My Open Heart Surgery
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Health and Wellness

I'm Finally Thankful for My Open Heart Surgery

I love my scar and all it gave me.

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I'm Finally Thankful for My Open Heart Surgery
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I would have never imagined that I would need open heart surgery, and I never imagined the day where I would be thankful for it.

I knew I was born with a murmur and with that came heavy chest pains, but when my doctor told me that I had a 4 cm hole between my right and left atrium, I knew I couldn't ignore it anymore. When the day finally came, I still wasn't too worried because my entire family had been through this before, with my little brother Nick. I had only told my closest friends and family and I wasn't planning on sharing it with the world. I was told I could resume normal activity after 3 months and I couldn't wait to move on with my life.

Fast forward to the moment I woke up. There is no way to describe the pain but it felt like I had been hit by a train myltiple times. I saw numerous tubes and wires attached to me and my entire body was sore. I took my first breath and it felt like my lungs were on fire. However, I knew that I needed courage to see the one thing I was the most scared of. I took a deep breath and looked down my chest.

There it was. The huge scar they promised I would have. It was red, swollen and had blood on it. That was the very moment it finally hit me that I had open heart surgery. I had a scar and it would be there forever. I felt incredibly frustrated and I wanted to turn back time to let myself prepare emotionally for this, because all I thought now was how ugly that scar was and how ugly that made me.

I couldn't talk, I couldn't eat, it hurt to breath, it hurt to do absolutely anything, yet my nurses pushed me to walk, sit up and sit down on my own. It was excrutiating and I reached a point where I was sore from crying. I only stayed in the hospital for about 3 days. I couldn't stay there any longer, even though I knew I would still be in pain at home. My nurses would tell me how brave I was for recovering so fast, but really what else was I supposed to do? I wasn't going to let anyone feel pity for me and much less feel pity for myself. I was going to get through this.

I couldn't sleep for almost two weeks and required someone help lay down. It wasn't until about three weeks later that the pain subsided. I looked at my scar every day, hoping it would just disappear. But the more I looked at it, the bigger it looked. I had a boyfriend at the time and even though he was very supportive, I hated myself for sometimes thinking I was no longer attractive enough for him. I hated that I let this scar made me think less of myself, when I had always put myself on a pedestal, with or without a guy by my side.

I finally stopped seeing the scar as ugly the day my little brother felt closer to me than ever. Nick was born with Down Syndrome and had had open heart surgery when he was a newborn. He lowered his shirt to show me his now-healed scar and gave me a hug. I bursted out in tears because I knew he was trying to tell me it was going to be okay. And it was.

It has been five months since my surgery and I am healthier than ever now. My scar is still there but I no longer let it control my life. I see it as a battle scar, as what gave me a second chance at living a normal life and what made me a stronger person. It might not be the prettiest thing to look at it, but I no longer care when a little part of it shows. I am still here because of it and I am so glad that I am finally thankful for my surgery instead of being resentful.

I love my scar and all it gave me.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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