Dear Depression,

You sure are hard to shake. You are the shadow that lurks above me, following me everywhere I go. No matter how happy I feel today, you are the still small voice that reminds me I have nothing to be happy about. You never fail, you devil, you. Whenever I aspire to do anything, you’re right behind me, cheering me on. You’re not good enough, and you’re going to fail. You should just forget it; don’t you remember what happened last time you tried to do something like that? Yes, yes; how could I ever forget with you around? You take a hammer and smack the nails right into my brain so that those thoughts are permeated into me.

When I was in fifth grade, it was you who first told me that no one would care if I disappeared. I was fat, ugly and had no real friends. So, I took those scissors, like you suggested, ready to cut off every fat part of my body, but I just couldn’t go through with it. Our relationship was just in the beginning stages, my dear, dear old friend.

You've had your fun with me ever since. Mom and dad have always had problems, but when mom and dad divorced, you really worked your magic. You made me so angry. You made me so sad. When high school began, I thought I could start all over, you know, reinvent myself in a new school with new people. You wouldn’t let that happen, though. Vulnerable to you again, I filled my stomach with laxatives and emptied it with a toothbrush down my throat. When mom found out, I decided to stop letting my weight become an issue. Sadly, it was not my decision to make. I was a slave to you. You always found new ways to keep me down when all I wanted was out. I begged you to leave me alone, so you showed me a way out, but like the incident with the scissors, I just couldn’t find a way to let go, no matter how much I wanted to. There were countless days I thought, I hoped, would be my last days, so the voices would stop, so you would just…stop.

Some days didn’t feel so hopeless. I put a smile on my face and began to rethink taking my own life. When I met Joe, I couldn’t be happier, so I thought. You caused countless fights between him and I. You almost tore us apart. You reminded me that marriages don't work out, our parents being a perfect example; all of the odds are against us.

I decided to ignore my fears of being abandoned, but who was I kidding, my smiles were just a facade that did not fool you at all. When Joe proposed to me, you set off the ticking time bomb that was me. You brought back all of my fears because you knew I never really forgot. You kept me up at night, all night, and when morning came, you offered me a way out. Whenever I was on the road you would tell me “close your eyes,” “rest, my child.” I was tired anyway, I probably wouldn’t even feel myself crash if I just let myself drift off.

You swept in like Hurricane Katrina and really caused some life-long damage. One day, I lost it at work. I couldn’t keep this a secret anymore. I told them about you, I told my family about you. I told them that I’ve been fighting with you for ten long years. I told them you almost won. After I told them, I finally realized how wrong you were. It turns out they do care, and that killing myself and ending my life for good would have hurt them. They were hurt because I was hurting. They told me they would help me through this, and they have. I no longer give into your lies. They released me from the chains you bound me by.

I beat you. Your enemy beat you. That still small voice that I hear now is not you, it’s Jesus. This was not your intention, I’m sure, but thank you for leading the way and introducing me to him because all of those lies you told me no longer matter. If I ever doubt myself, he’s right there reminding me that I am the daughter of a king, and I am unconditionally loved by him.

Signed, Your former slave,

Nina