Let’s say you can’t stand the overly embracive customers in retail that heckle you to tears over which customer saw the necklace in the jewelry counter first, you are too awkward and clumsy to ever dream of becoming a waitress, the mere thought of fast food adds ten pounds to each thigh and every other job in the world seems to be filled. But, you love children and getting paid in cash. It’s simple, you were meant to be a babysitter. 

The joyful vision that fills your mind, however, is as realistic as you saying you are going to start studying for an exam the week before – not realistic at all. You must be prepared to babysit all shapes and sizes of personalities, not just the sweet and innocent that enjoy doing whatever it is that you enjoy doing (sleeping and watching movies.) For even your most gruesome experiences, I have compiled a list of Ten Commandments that you must follow if you wish for survival. 

1.    Thou shalt not, under any circumstances, hit the children, no matter how much they cry, whine, pout, scream or intentionally disobey thee for thy own mere enjoyment. It just looks bad. 

2.     Thou shall remember that when they say, “we don’t feel like it,” dragging them by thy ears and forcefully making thee do whatever it is thy said that thee did not feel like doing is frowned upon.  Again, it looks bad.

3.     Thou shalt not fall asleep while leaving the children unattended, no matter if every second spent yelling at them to behave sucks not only the energy, but also the life, right out of thy body and thy soul to a point of pure exhaustion. For all thee know, thou could wake up and the house would be on fire and somehow the feral cat that lurks around the neighborhood has found its way into the home with its six newly born kittens and the children have mysteriously disappeared.  But it was only a 45 minute nap… 

4.     Thou shall remember that when the children fight, thou must not always side with the cutest just because he or she is the cutest. I know, it’s hard, but actually try to listen to what they are arguing about. Most of the time it is something silly like who wanted the green crayon first or, if they’re feeling a little rambunctious, who hit whom over the head with the Wii remote first (it was usually the cutest.) 

5.     Thou shall keep thy temper when a child lies to thy face about something that he or she did. Thou shalt not insult their intelligences by comparing them to thy own, and thou shalt not rip thine hair out of thy head while screaming at the sky how thou would rather be undergoing extensive surgery without any anesthesia than be lied to there at that moment. 

6.     Thou shall write down exact arrival and departure times each day to make payday easier and more efficient for thee and the parents. No one likes awkward disagreements about how much thou should be paid. 

7.     Thou shall befriend the children and make them like thee to a point where when thou art about to leave, they beg you to stay. Happy children are happy parents. Happy parents put gas in your tank and money in your wallet. 

8.     Thou shall let the children roam and frolic outside for as long as they may please. The more they run, the less energy they’ll have. The less energy they have, the less energy they’ll have to argue against every single word thou shall say. It is truly magic. 

9.     Thou shall not be a pushover. The more they think they can bend thee, the more they shall try. Stay stern in thy commands and requests. Children secretly love rules and authority; it makes them feel cared for and loved. For thy sake and their's, demand respect and obedience. 

10. Thou shall remember that though they may be pains 50% of the time, they are children 100% of the time. They don’t know everything that thou may know, and they are still learning. Things thou may say may affect them more than thou may know, and thou shall be careful. While thou may lose thy temper, and thou may say disciplinary words with punishing tones, thou must remember to remind them that it was simply frustration, not general disliking.     

Follow these commandments and thou shall be set for each babysitting job thou has for the rest of thy life. Peace be with you, you will need it.