1. Buy your mom a bouquet of flowers. 

When you give them to her, say "Mom, I got you these to show you how much I love... and also to show you my new tattoo."

2. Compare it to your siblings.

The actual conversation I had with my mom went like this: "You know how Joey has 7 tattoos, right? That's a lot. Well, I only have 1."

3. Post a picture of it online for your mom to find out about at her own pace. 

Be far, far away when she reads it.

4. Overestimate the size so she's pleasantly surprised when it's not as bad as she thought. 

"Yeah it's all up my arm and it wraps around a little bit."

5. Make sure it's of something that she likes. 

"Mom, I know how much you love roses."

6. Get a tattoo related to someone who died so she’ll feel bad if she says anything.

Bonus points if you cry while explaining that it's supposed to look like your grandmother's name.

7. Bring a dog home with you. 

She'll either be too excited about the dog or too mad about the dog to yell at you for your tattoo.

8. Flat-out lie.

"I discovered a really intricate birthmark."

9. Another flat-out lie.

"Look at this weird bruise I got."

10. And one more intricate lie for good measure. 

"My friend went full out drawing on my ankle with a sharpie."

11. Never tell her and hope she never finds out.

Just hide it and hope for the best.

12. Call her from 1000 miles away to give her time to cool down. 

Maybe give her a couple of days...