In response to the many #MeToo post that I’ve been reading on Instagram and the desire to post my own, I’ve been pondering my truth regarding sexual harassment and my experience with such.
With horror stories such as Harvey Weinstein being the forerunning headlines for any culture publication, one must ask themselves questions such as have I also shared a similar experience and if so, how did such make me feel.
I know that I’ve experienced sexual harassment on two different accounts and as a result, both experiences left me feeling extremely disposable. Although I was never raped I still felt as though something was robbed from me. I remember feeling ashamed of that emotion, when in actuality my sentiments were by far justified because harassment is a violation within itself... meaning a lot was taken from me, beginning with my consent.
I’ll write this again: harassment is a violation within itself! Anything without consent is violation and despite how many individuals may portray such, every account is scarring in its own right.
So if we know this, (which I question if many of us truly do), then why don’t we as a society believe it? Why is it that we rarely enforce it? How is it that women and men, similar to myself deny that an unwanted sexual or sexualized encounter has occurred. What causes us to downplay what we know is morally, ethically and humanly wrong.
As for my own experiences, I was most fearful of my peers looking at the occurrences as being normal and my response to such as being dramatic.
I was fearful of feeling even more disposable after disclosing what had occurred than when I first experienced these encounters. As a result, I figured if I just downplayed the situations and kept the details to myself, perhaps I could gain back my sense of control and worth back.
If I’m being honest, shame also kept me from disclosing. I allowed three specific ideologies to keep me silent. And three ideologies that keep others silent, ashamed, or confused on whether their encounter was morally wrong or not.
1. Normalization
Oddly and unfortunate enough sexual harassment often gets the shorter end of the stick in terms of severity. It’s the lowest on the totem pole. It's sick to consider such, right? I mean to really process the truth that majority of experiences are deemed as being acceptable because “the chase” is all a part of the game, just seems surreal, right? I’ve heard people say that consistent no’s are what makes the spoil great, not even knowing what this type of rhetoric suggest. Well I’d like to submit that this type of ideology at its root is harmful, destructive and toxic.
If sexuality and bodies are to be viewed as “spoils” then, of course, it is acceptable to achieve the conquest by any means! Normalization supports the idea that one wasn’t fearful or resistant because they didn’t want the experience but because they were nervous. Normalization supports the idea that “Oh, I had to warm him/her up” or I had “kick it off” when in actuality the act, attention and etc. was unsolicited.
2. Disbelief
Now, when an individual goes to a close friend or family member and shares that “x,y, and z” has happened to them what are the responses? It is often the “sweep it under the rug” approach or is it a “let's tackle this as the issue that it is” approach? The answer matters. Your answer matters! Not only does it identify your solidarity with the one that is confessing to you, but it also plays an effective role in deconstructing the toxic ideology that such actions are correct, appropriate and ultimately acceptable.
3. Victim Blaming
Lethal within itself. The reasons as to how and why such occurrence exist should not be catered to pointing the finger at the one who experienced such. It is wrong to discuss how one’s behaviors may have led to an assault or warranted any form of harassment when indeed consent was not given. Just as it is wrong for one to bring up an individual’s sexual past for justification purposes.
The reality is when harassment or assault occurs rather it is groping, slurs, coercion and/ or even penetration a wide range of emotions can be felt by the individual that has been taken advantage of. In no way shape or form is it your place to begin analyzing a victim’s role, especially at the stake of them opening up to you. It's the initial response that allows people to feel comfortable to find healing. Being that questions are important and inevitable due to curiosity, it's vital that we cut out all judgement and check our intentions when engaging in conversations that deal with harassment and assault.
So back to what the title of this article suggests, how will I make such an obligation clear to my future son? Well I’ll begin with informing him that no single #MeToo post will solely revolutionize the way society perceives sexual assaults and harassment. I will tell him this, so that he is prepared for all of the “what’s the point” “rape, assault and harassment has occurred since the beginning of time” jargin. He will know that the #me too movements and others alike are a powerful catalyst to resurge the private conversations that must occur to not only bring healing but a freedom that will empower others.
I will ensure that he knows that harassment, assault and rape happens to those that are around us everyday, and it happens to many that will never openly discuss such.
My son will know that anytime an individual shares that they’ve been harassed he is expected to cover them. No judgment passed, no blaming or presumptions BUT protection demanded. He will know that as a man I expect him to uphold the integrity of both women and men alike. That he is to respect the consent of even those that society doesn’t deem honorable. He will know that the nasty, ugly, truth is that in this society, many judge before they hear and question before they witness the trauma that is left as a result of abuse".