I am at a point in my life where I am taking care of my father. He gave me my life's blood but he also verbally abused me, disowned me several times, and continues to undermine me. Yet, I find myself taking care of him as he recovers from cancer treatment.
I do this without thinking, but I occasionally find myself reflecting on my childhood -- on the tumultuous events that led to my current relationship with my father. I remember vowing to never look back after I turned eighteen, yet here I am. What happened?
This reality is cruel and odd. I feel like I'm betraying my younger self. But then isn't this what adulthood is all about? Such profound complexities, you find it hard to make sense of them. My past self and present self emerge, without warning, at different moments. My past self, a hurt child, doesn't feel as sorry and doesn't feel too empathetic. When my past self arises, I think: Am I a bad person?
My present self, a grown woman who has built a life beyond her father, wants to see her father as his own human now that she's at a distance. She's too far to get hurt, I guess. When my present self takes control, I think: Should I be doing this?
Perhaps the most propelling argument I have to this reality is that I don't want to have any regrets -- and I doubt I would ever regret being kind, being the better person, being diplomatic.
It hurts. I won't lie to you. Sometimes, I feel like I am taking hundreds of steps backwards and reverting into the vulnerable child I once was. But the truth is that I am no longer that child. I can protect myself from this person now, with all the other people who I love to support me, and this gives me power. I just need the time every now and then to distance myself, to prevent getting lost in being a child again.
If you find yourself living in a complex relationship with a parent, remember that this complexity is part of life. You don't have to question your every move, just do what feels right and what makes you happy.