The Problem With Over-Thinking
It may be obvious, but it digs deep in every avenue of my life.
I am a chronic over-thinker. It's literally my number one hobby. And it's a shame because it causes a lot of anxiety and for lack of a better term... depression. I wouldn't say I am depressed, but I can't think of a word that better describes it.
Any issue may present itself in my day. Like anyone, I'll make a decision. But then that's when the overthinking comes in. I begin to think about every possible avenue. And then I think about the pros and cons of each avenue. And then I think about the pros and cons of each pro and con.
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I guess a positive spin would be that I am overly prepared when making a decision. Except I often find myself not making a decision at all. In my process of overthinking, I beat the preverbal horse to death so badly, all that is left is the horse-shoes.
Ensuing are mini-episodes of beating myself up as a result, since there is no more horse to beat. It brings about a serious case of self-loathing at times that is hard to deal with. And thus, a slight form of depression is born.
Its hard to escape, because I overthink everything. I don't want to dive into too many specifics, despite no one reading this knowing me on a personal level. But the best example is where I am in my life. In my articles "The End Is Nigh" and "Summer Is Halfway Through" focus on feeling lost with the upcoming challenge of graduating college. And within a week, I managed to find a pretty decent job and found some footing that I was desperately searching for. Moving around a lot throughout my life, I don't have many friends, and if you've read any of my "Twin Peaks" articles (which all related to my experiences with online dating, to some extent), you will know that I've struggled in the relationship department as well.
I've always had a hard time being myself around people, and that was what really made it hard in dating. I was reluctant to talk about anything personal, and let anyone in because it was uncomfortable. It's something that is uncomfortable for everyone. But for me, I freeze up and fail to really function. I cower into myself and have become somewhat an antisocial loner. I don't know who I am kidding; I flat out am an antisocial loner; nothing "somewhat about it."
And in the last year, I've really tried to work on that. And yet, I'm constantly told in passing how antisocial I am, or how angry I seem or how scary I come across. And that makes trying to change hard. It makes my efforts seem fruitless.
Before I derail too far, I said the best example is present. I've gotten a pretty good job, right after graduating. I started to become more outgoing. I've gotten involved with someone who seems to actually accept my shortcomings. I've been writing about her a few times now with a lot of positive implications.
And yet, I'm still upset about everything. I still feel inadequate in so many aspects. And there really isn't a justification for this inadequate mindset, other than a habit of overthinking.
Plenty of people blame others for their problems. I've always been one to blame myself; maybe it's easier or maybe its because I can't really talk back to myself and prove me wrong (meaning, if I blame someone else, they can tell me why they aren't at fault, whereas I can't do that with myself). So I'll accept the blame.
I know this article is vague, and I want to keep it vague, so I don't have to dive too deep into my own problems. But overthinking sucks. I have all of these good things happening to me, and yet, I still but can't help and look for and focus on negatives; despite many, if not all of them being made up to suit my own pattern of functioning. I almost need to be anxious in order to compute daily. It's like I can't be used to being relaxed, or simply happy.
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The last sentence in the previous paragraph isn't a revelation; I'm completely aware of the fact. And that makes me more upset. Because I know my neuroses are self-induced and self-formed. That's what causes me to beat myself up. Because I know what I am overthinking has no weight. And yet I can't help myself but to over analyze it all.
It's a cyclical pattern that I can't break myself out of. The point is, if you're the same way, you're not alone. It sucks, but there are others like you. Try to take comfort in the fact that despite how hard it may feel, you are COMPLETELY normal.
