Sweet Daydreams To Nightmare Screams

Sweet Daydreams To Nightmare Screams

Flooding sensations wreck havoc in the depths of my subconscious.

It's not that I'm crazy. My subconscious is my nightmare.

My daydreams consist of ruffling textbook pages and blue ink pens scratching against paper.

My dreams at night are filled with rancid beings, humans at their core but monsters at heart – a hard heart, cold to the touch of my fingers, immovable to the push of my palm, unstoppable against the shove of arms, the kick of feet, the squirm of my shuddering body until it ends. I wake with a scream. Every night I wake up screaming. It's one of the reasons I still live alone.

The other reason is that my apartment is always dark. The blinds are closed, the shades are drawn, and the red chiffon curtains billow at the puff of air from my desk fan. But sometimes the desk fan is not at the desk. Sometimes it's across the living room, perched on the edge of the slippery leather couch. Or sometimes it's in the kitchen, blowing high-speed wind at the fridge. Last time it was whirring under my bed, which only prolonged my screaming session for the night. Today, it's back on the desk, puffing air at the red chiffon curtains. Its moody behavior makes me want to wag a finger in mock anger, but I'm not angry or amused. And that would be crazy.

They all move, from the knives to the pillows to the toilet paper. They're all over this noisy one-bedroom apartment. In July, I moved into a place near college, university, school – whatever you want to call it because school in Japanese is "gakkou" and the point is...

The fan just moved again.

Now it's on the floor under the glow of the lamp. I swear this place is haunted or something. The glow of the lamp is eerie, and it fills me with dread. I wish these things didn't happen, I wish that I could leave, but if I do, then what? Who will take my place? How can I subject an innocent bystander to this treachery? No, no I can't do that. Not when I can communicate with it, not when it slips into my nightmares, sliding across the slinky rings that pierce through my subconscious to hold it steadfast to my mind. I drudge through the exploding firework of colors, the stench of decomposition and beyond the incomprehensible howling – a manifestation incongruous to my symphonic orchestration of misery and isolation. People hooting, lights exploding against a black night sky, picnic sheets on the ground, someone whispering, "You're so lucky to have been born on the fourth..."

So lucky to have been born...

So lucky to have...

So lucky...

Lucky...

Lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky ucky, mucky, mucky, rucky, rocky road ice cream, that's funny.

Your heart's not beating, it's getting cold.

Your heart's not beating, you're becoming cold.

Your heart stopped beating, you're dead cold.

I wake up screaming. The voices hush. The fan is whirring. It's right on the edge of my blanket, staring up at my sweaty, convulsing face. Its speed is on high, my voice is still screaming on high, so I clamp my mouth shut. I yank the cord out and trash the fan, shoving it deep under the third garbage bag sitting in the kitchen. Then thinking better of it, I snatch it back, slam its head against the counter – again, again, again until there's only plastic bits and pieces left to shovel into the pail to the bag to the bin.

But now here I'm pacing, looking for a calendar somewhere because as soon as this semester ends, I'm moving out. This place is crazy. Things move on their own. Voices whisper around the edge of the fan, but I had blamed it on the whirring. Now the whirring is gone, I can hear them clearly – "crazy" – this place is crazy – "been a year" – it's been less than four months, the semester isn't over – "never had a semester" – need to go to class, but then there were – "your worst nightmare" – yes, yes, my nightmares – "is in the mirror" – shut up!

I need to find a calendar because these voices are wrong. It's only been four months. They can't lie to me. I have a phone! Yes, I have a phone, and they have calendars, so in there somewhere, and God, it's blindingly bright, but if I scroll down, yes, there it is, it's October!

Let's focus – "go ahead" – focus! I moved in July – "after your birthday" – and then classes began in August, – "August when" – and now, it's October – "October what" – what do you mean, October what?

October 2016.

Oh...so it has been a year. More than year.

So I put the phone down and turn to the mirror. Orange, white-capped bottles line the dresser top. White stickers with typed print: a trial dosage of clozapine, 6 mg/day of risperidone, .5 mg twice a day of lorazepam.

It's not that I'm crazy. My subconscious is my nightmare.


Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All resemblance to actual people, places, incidents, or things is completely coincidental.

Cover Image Credit: ViralNova

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Two Inspiring Movies Everyone Should See

Movies that take you on an emotional roller coaster.

I have always loved watching movies, especially ones with inspiring and emotional storylines. I get very invested and intrigued (maybe a little too much), but I love having that whirlwind of emotions throughout the entire movie.

Recently, I got the opportunity to see two amazing movies that I think are very important and had a huge effect on me. The films were “Lady Bird” and “Call Me by Your Name”. Both of these films came out in 2017 so they are fairly new. They are making a huge impact and receiving a lot of deserved recognition.

“Lady Bird” has such a special storyline. It follows the relationship between a mother and daughter in such a realistic way. As many girls know, a relationship with a mother is not always an easy one and the film really captures that frustration.

It follows the life of a young girl that is about to leave to go to college. So many things change for girls during this time and there are so many emotional challenges and obstacles. I absolutely love how this film displays this situation and many relationships in a very graphic and honest way. I think it is so important for young girls to watch this film and channel all those feelings. It is incredibly relatable and it reminds girls to be courageous.

“Call Me by Your Name” is seriously one of the best movies I have seen in a long time. It is a love story, which we have seen is countless movies, but this film displays a relationship in such a unique and beautiful way.

The best thing about this movie is that it is awkward at some points and maybe even a little uncomfortable. I admire this because love and relationships aren’t always magical and perfect. It expresses a type of love that is so unapologetic and pure. I could watch it over and over and still have the same inspiring feeling at the end. If you are a fan of emotional love stories or small independent films watch this movie. You will not regret it.

Cover Image Credit: Connor Limbocker

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A Tale of Two Corey's Part 3

Just when you thought it was over...Again

Here we are once again on the same topic. As I have previously said, this story will always remain unfinished no matter how much information gets out, the "Truth" or how things will be finished.

If you are unfamiliar with this whole thing, I would suggest reading part one and two but I will do a little quick refresher. Corey Haim and Corey Feldman were two of the biggest teen idols of the 80's. Their stardom was short lived due to them both being sexually abused at a young age as well as heavy drug use.

In my previous articles, I have clearly shown what side I am on and that is Haim's. Feldman has given me enough reason dislike everything he stands for and the way he treats his best friend. Like every good story, the plot keeps getting thicker and worse with every word that falls from his mouth.

If you were lucky enough to catch the movie, you saw the things it showed. On the Lifetime Channel, they aired a movie appropriately titled "A Tale of Two Corey's" (Maybe he read my articles) and was based on the 2013 book that Corey F. has written about his life. It was about play by play of course minus many little things here and there. It, of course, did Feldman justice but did it do Haim's? Of course not.

Everything that he says is becoming a big huge problem not only with fans or "haters" as he calls them but from Corey H.'s friends and family as well. He claims he is doing it for his former friend but I've never watched someone throw them under the bus as much as he has.

At one point in the movie, it had depicted a scene that he claims happened when they were teenagers that I cannot wrap my head around. I've spoken about it once but I NEED to bring it back up. When they were fifteen, Corey F. thought it was best to get Corey H. off his back by calling a guy who is twice his age to deal with the issue.

Now no one seems to see that it is a major problem considering that Haim had been raped by an older man a little while before. What "Best Friend" calls a man who can easily take advantage...No one including Corey F. himself sees that it is an issue. I can't be the only one, right?

The Lifetime movie had proved something I have been saying since I started this entire thing. Corey Feldman does not take responsibility for his actions in his friends demise and does not show any remorse or regret. Unfortunately we only get his side of the story since Corey H. has passed away back in 2013 due to pneumonia.

Even in the movie they had justified what I said which would backfire on Feldman. They had him as a teen yelling at Haim for taking movie roles and being the better Corey. I have been saying that he was jealous and many others can completely agree with it. He see's no wrong doing in his actions of his best friend being raped and he seems to turn the story around on everyone else.

Watching closely to the movie, they show Corey F. in more of a sympathy sort of way making him look like the innocent one of the two. Most of the drug use portrayed was done by Corey H. I know that he had struggled his entire life with addiction but I couldn't help but notice that difference. The picture depicted him as more of a saint who got sober while the other was portrayed as a problem to everyone.

After my first two articles, I had received two messages from two different women thanking me fro writing them. They are both friends with Corey H's. friends and personally know his Mother Judy who is also grateful me for these.I wanted people to read these and understand why this truth needs to be spoken.

If you are wondering why I back Corey Haim so much is due to various reasons. He is not here to defend himself on any allegation that is out there. He is not able to speak up against Corey Feldman and the things that he puts on him. Corey is not just a best friend or son or brother. Corey Haim is a man who had gotten unfairly treated in life and in death.

You've probably seen all of the interviews that Corey F. has been giving lately and boy, you were in for a treat after the movie if you caught it. Once again, the things he speaks of makes not any sense and I want to bring up one thing he said.

Weeks before Haim's passing, they had gotten a chance to hang out but not in the way I thought. Feldman had stated that Corey H. told him, "'If something happens to me or should I die before you, promise me that my story will be told.'" Now let me explain why I am confused on this.

These two had not spoken to each other in three years and out of the blue he is going to tell him that? Another thing is that Corey H. was not ready to face his demons himself so why would he want someone else to? I get that he would no longer be with us at that point but I'm not understanding the logic. Besides that, he was very, very close to his his Mother so why not have her instead of the guy you have had a rocky relationship with for the last ten years?

Where is this story going now? Well here is yet again another issue I have. Corey Feldman wants to make a movie about his book...Sound familiar? Yeah, I just watched it on Lifetime. Problem is, he wants it to be detailed and graphic. I'm sorry but I wouldn't want to watch a movie depicting sexual assault on a child like the way he wants to show it.

But before he makes it though he needs money, lots of it. He already had two donation pages raising at least $300,000 and guess what he's doing now? Yep, you guessed it, donation page 3 and wanting to raise a million dollars.

Every interview he does he brings it up and asks or shall I says begs for a donation. I'm not kidding, check out his Facebook or Twitter, he is constantly asking. I'm sorry but you just had a movie made (In which he got money for) which is going to be the same exact thing but graphic.

He had also Tweeted that if he doesn't see a rise in numbers on the donation page, he is going to shut it down because he's not getting any money. *Shakes head*, if that doesn't sound like a cash grab, I don't know what does.

Moving forward, will there be a part 4? I'm sure in time there will be one but for now I will still be following this story closely and the next nonsense that happens.

But just remember Corey, jealousy is an ugly thing and will backfire on you in no time.

Cover Image Credit: http://www.sheknows.com

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