Sunflowers and Honey

Sunflowers and Honey

Feed my soul and you may have my body.

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You're always on my mind, images of us forever dance in my head as the sun and moon tumble across the sky.

You are art; you are the color in a world painted in black and white.

I never knew such colors existed, never knew there was more until you showed me your vision, boy you make this life worth living.

I wanna undress my own thoughts, but you'd be better at it

Where are you...

I said give me some time, but boy I wish you could understand how my watch has never responded like this….it wants to tick faster, you don't deserve time, you deserve now, you deserve to caress my thighs the way you've so gently caressed my mind.

My circadian rhythm moves to you.

Explore my body as you teach me things I never knew.

I'll be the student if you're willing to teach

I'm willing to listen if you're willing to speak knowledge

I'm waiting, you're willing, I'm waiting, we're waiting.

I am waiting to protect myself from latching on to you in case you latch onto another.

I'm waiting because if I allow you between my bronze thighs I am relinquishing all of my power and allowing you to hurt me in ways, pleasure me in ways, and explore me in ways that will amplify all my emotions.

It's not about my body. It's about my soul.

Understand this and you may drink.

I am not for everyone.

My. Honey. Is. Not. For. Everyone.

Organic not pure,

Touched but not yet tainted,

Studied but not yet explored,

My honey is handcrafted by heavenly bees who have laid me down on my back in a pile of yellow roses.

The sun is setting above my head and endless variations of orange, pink, and lavender fill up the sky.

I am draped in honey from head to toe.

The bees fly down circling me and place a beautiful yellow sun flower on my _ _ _ _ _

"Drink. If. You. Care."

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What Losing Someone To Suicide Really Feels Like.

In Loving Memory of Andrew Allen Boykin (1997-2015)

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A word that describes what it feels like to lose someone to suicide? That doesn't exist. It's actually a whole jumbled up pool of emotions. Almost unbearable comes to mind, but that still doesn't quite cover it. You never think it'll happen to someone you know, much less a family member.

Let me start off by telling you about my experience. I was up late one night studying for a big nursing test I had the next morning. My phone started ringing, and I automatically assumed it was my boyfriend who knew I would still be up at midnight. It wasn't, though. It was my mother, who usually goes to bed before 10 every night. I knew something bad had happened.

"Mama, what's wrong?" I could hear her crying already. "Baby, Andrew shot himself," my mother then told me. I flooded her with questions. Where? Is he okay? Why was he playing around with a gun this late? What happened? She then said, "No, baby, he killed himself."

Disbelief

Disbelief was my first reaction. No, that couldn't be true. Not my Andrew. Not my 17-year-old, crazy, silly, cousin Andrew. Not the kid who eats sour Skittles while we walk through Walmart and then throws away the pack before we get to the register. Not the kid who, while we all lay in the floor in Grandma's living room, is constantly cracking jokes and telling us stories about how he's a real ladies' man. This can't be real. I'm gonna go home and it is all just gonna be a mix-up.

Confusion

It wasn't, though. I sat in the home of my grandparents, with the rest of my family, confused. We tried to go over what could have caused him to do it. Was it a girl? Did we do something wrong? He acted normal. Nothing seemed off, but I guess nobody will ever truly know.

Anger

For a minute there I was mad. How could he do this? Did he not know what this would do to everyone? So many people loved him. I just couldn't understand, but I wasn't Andrew. How could I understand?

Regret

Regret was my next feeling. Why didn't I do more? What could I have done? How did I not notice he was hurting so bad? There wasn't anyone who knew, though. For the longest time, I told myself that I should have texted him more or just made sure he knew I loved him. In the end, I always realize that there wasn't anything I could have done and that he knew I loved him.

Pain

The funeral was almost insufferable. A church filled with people who loved Andrew. People that would never get to see him or hear his laugh again. The casket was closed and the whole time all I could think about was how I just wanted to hold his hand one last time. My brother, who spent almost every weekend with Andrew since they were little, didn't even want to go inside. They were only a year and a half apart. At one point he just fell to the ground in tears. This kind of pain is the heart-breaking kind. The pain of picking a 15-year-old off the ground when he hurts so bad he can't even go on anymore.


Heartache

This led to heartache. I thought so much about how his life was way too short. He would never get to graduate high school or go to college. He would never get his first grown-up job. He'd never get married or have children. Dwelling on these thoughts did some major damage to my heart. We missed him. We wanted him back, but we could never go back to how things were.

Numbness

For a while after, I could honestly say I was numb. It had hurt so much I think my body shut down for a little while. That disbelief would pop up again and I would forget it was real. I'd try to block out the reminders but that doesn't really work. Every time I see sour Skittles I think about him, or wear this certain pair of earrings he'd always try to get me to give him.

Longing

This past week marked a whole year since he passed away. What am I feeling now? Still all of these things plus a little more. Longing is a good word. I miss him every day and wish so much that he was still here with us. I'll see little reminders of him and smile or laugh. We had so many good memories, and I could never forget those or him. That's what I cling to now. That was my Andrew.


In Loving Memory of Andrew Allen Boykin (1997-2015)

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever."


If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

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I Ended Up In A Family Group Chat...With All Of My Roommates

It was probably one of the most unexpected things that happened to me.

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I know, unbelievable, but hear me out. I didn't expect it at all either. I came to college feeling very reserved and sheltered in. I met my roommates, one who had a boyfriend. They were very very lovey-dovey to the point where it felt like witnessing a drama every passing moment. It was very cute.

Even though I wasn't very expressive myself, my roommates made sure to show me lots of love and give me support and comfort. Slowly, I warmed up to the others and before long we were having face mask nights, Uno challenges, reading and watching creepy trends, truth or dare, ramen nights, scary stories, and so much more. It felt like a family.

One day, when my roommate was being lovey-dovey with her boyfriend, I joked that they were like parents already. That joke then extended on to me and the other roommate being their children and our neighbors to being the grandma and aunt. It was a spontaneous sort of naming system but it came together really well and slowly, everything fell into place. Suddenly it became so established; we developed a family group chat and would occasionally address each other by our family titles. We even started playing into our roles more.

My roommate and her boyfriend started becoming more parental and taking care of my other roommate and I. I started becoming more carefree around my roommates and we would all stay in contact via our Snapchat group named "G.N.O.A.T" at first (greatest neighborhoods of all time) but changed to "family."

It was probably one of the most unexpected things that happened to me at the beginning of my college career but I'm also very grateful that it happened. Because of that, I was able to open up with my roommates and neighbors. I was able to be more honest and slowly feel a deeper kinship with everyone. Before I came to college, I didn't even know if I was going to have good terms with my neighbors but after this experience, I never expected my neighbors and roommates to label me as family, even if it's only a facetious name for now.

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