Summer is here. How do I know this? Because it’s H-O-T. Is it actually summer? No. The first day of the season isn’t actually until June 20th, but I am proclaiming it now because I am laying on the floor in my room sweating to death because it is 91 degrees Fahrenheit and my University is refusing to turn on the air conditioning. I’m dying. So instead of being productive, here’s a Listicle about the heat that is oppressing my right to exist as a real life person: The 8 Stages of Dying from Heat in April.
1. You wake up in morning and notice that your whole body is suspiciously... STICKY.
2. You attempt to dress for the day but realize that you haven’t shaved your legs in a month but if you wear jeans you’ll actually rip your own legs off by noon. So you wear those shorts and flaunt that leg hair.
3. You chug water, but chances are, you don’t have ice cubes in your dorm room because that would mean you would have had the foresight to buy and fill an ice tray (and cram it into the non-existent space of your freezer.)
4. You lay down and cry. You take off as much of your clothes is acceptable for your roommate to walk in on and you lay on the ground and just cry.
5. You face the heat of the bottom of your laptop and attempt to look up a number you can call to find out who will turn on the AC for you. You sign petitions to make the AC get turned on. You may even look up a lawyer who can take this atrocious case.
6. You call your Mom and complain. This is no different from any other problem in that regard.
7. You accept defeat: this IS the end. You WILL die because of this. You start to slip into the delirium that is heat stroke.
8. You wake up the next morning. How could this be? You survived the night? Wait. You’re not sticky. You spring out of bed to check the vents in your room and realize with a burst of joy that there’s COLD air coming out. Praise the lord!! Glory, glory Hallelujah!!! The AC is finally on!
At this point in the game, you promise you’ll never say anything bad about the mystical people who are in charge of the heating and cooling schedule. They have saved you and you won’t ever forget. Until next fall, when you begin to freeze because they won’t turn on the heat until the average temperature is below 20 degrees. But until then, I tip my hat to you mystical heat gods.