Although there are some things this summer that I was fortunately able to do, it does not mean that it was 100% one of the best summers of my life. If I could be honest, last summer, to me, was more enjoyable. However, that was mainly because I was worry free of any real responsibilities other than just moving into my apartment and starting my last semester at school. Now that school is over and the real world is here, so is the grind.

There is a saying that is the grind never stops; that's the drive that should always be with you. I can't agree anymore. I was focusing more on the type of plans that I would have made with some of my friends rather than searching for what type of career that I want. I was generally focused on making myself happy for my friends and not for myself. Unfortunately, that was not making me so happy.

Over the past few months, it has been struggle after struggle. Between going to my other job and working when I would see everyone else having fun on social media, it just took the fun out of everything. I didn't feel like myself. I felt that I was only living my happiness through other people. What was going on? Between graduation and other things, I didn't feel as happy as I did a year ago. I can't remember the last time I laughed without actually laughing at my pain. I've heard that it is good to laugh off your pain so it doesn't hurt anymore, but how much longer does this last?

In a recent article I wrote, I mentioned that certain things are only temporary. But not even just this summer, I haven't felt true happiness in many months. The type of activities that I used to love being engaged in almost felt like a chore when I was around other people. I didn't feel that I was having fun for myself. I felt that I was having fun for the sake of being around other people. I didn't feel like myself. It was painful to come to this realization, but it's simply the facts.

The feeling of also feeling left out was also something that I could not engage well in. Feeling left out of any situation is something that no one wants to be part of. You always want to have fun with everyone else, but sometimes that doesn't always mean that everyone else will feel the same way. The last time I remember truly feeling left out is when I felt ignored.

I don't expect to be the center of attention when I go anywhere, but getting that feeling of rejection is the worst. But not the rejection that we are all familiar with. The rejection that truly hurts your guts to where you can't breathe. That rejection where when you enter a room you feel nothing but fake intentions wherever you go. Where people only want you around just to use you. Where people only want to use you when you're around. That's the worst feeling of them all. No one ever likes getting used, especially when you felt that at one point you could trust being around those individuals. Just because someone thinks something negative about you doesn't mean that it's true.

For me, it was already challenging enough coming to a school district where 80% of my peers didn't look like me nor could they relate to my situations. On top of that, having parents who are not from the United States was a challenge. Trying to have them understand certain things while using their own methods of discipline was the biggest challenge of them all. While I would see some of my friends get to do the things that they enjoyed and wear what they wanted to wear, I could barely walk out of the house without something that my parents would make me wear unless it was picture day or if it was warm outside.

But, now that I'm older, I understand why they did the things that they did; to protect my older sister and me from falling out of line. Which is why it has made us the people that we are today. So I thank them for protecting us, even though there were many things that we could not always agree on. Growing up with two Guyanese parents should have a book. I would love to write it.

Anyway, the bottom line is that while realizing that I may not have had the summer I wanted this year, I know that it is not the end of the world. I know that this is only the beginning of where I want to be. Instead of having happiness through others, having happiness with yourself is something that no one can buy for you. While feeling that certain people were saying awful things about you behind your back or texting about you. Why feel like that all the time? By surrounding yourself with people who have nothing but good intentions and positivity are the types of people that may be hard to find these days, but they're not far.

Realize that if someone doesn't like you it does not mean that it is something that you personally did to them. It is simply because they are used to having people around that fit their standards. Their standards are not your problems. Work on being happy for you instead of being happy to make others jealous or envious of your life. That's all you can truly do. Instead of saying 'I'm fine' when you're not... It's okay to not be fine. Come to terms with what you can control and let the rest determine itself.