Suicide is not a glamorous topic by any stretch of the imagination, but it is an important one. When a person is driven to such despair, to take their own life, it may seem like an unimaginable act with no rational reason. The failure to relate and understand others who are driven to anguish is a growing problem in society today. I too have felt the cold, hollow nature of embracing despair, and most of the people I talk to on a daily basis would have been shocked to hear of my death.

In this piece, I will try to explain the feelings behind my disturbing thoughts by using a song. The song, 'The Pass' by Rush is an extremely well written piece that I really appreciate and it has a lot of relevance to the issue of suicide. I will post the lyrics for each passage and give a bit of my take on the experience through my own eyes.

"Proud swagger out of the schoolyard
Waiting for the world's applause
Rebel without a conscience
Martyr without a cause"

This passage reminds me of times where I was confident. Times where I had achieved my goals or the expectations set for me by those I revered. It also conjures up notions of happier times when things weren't taken as seriously.

"Static on your frequency
Electrical storm in your veins
Raging at unreachable glory
Straining at invisible chains"

When life stagnates and things keep moving by it is hard to catch up. When others, even people that I like are far above where I am, it can seem a daunting task to struggle and reach that standard. It is even tougher when you can't reach your goals and losing what little energy you have.

"And now you're trembling on a rocky ledge
Staring down into a heartless sea
Can't face life on a razor's edge
Nothings what you thought it would be"

My life has fallen apart more times than I can count, and its always a chilling experience. The world seems so cruel especially when you have nobody else to talk to. It gets harder and harder. Like stepping on a razor blade, with each stride it only cuts deeper. The pain of existence itself can make the world seem gray and had me looking for a way out. Optimism gave way to cynicism for me at least.

CHORUS:

"All of us get lost in the darkness
Dreamers learn to steer by the stars
All of us do time in the gutter
Dreamers turn to look at the cars
Turn around and turn around and turn around
Turn around and walk the razor's edge

Don't turn your back
And slam the door on me"

This passage had many different meanings for me. The first part was extremely inspirational and spoke to my stubborn and persistent nature. No matter how low I felt or how much I was treated like scum I could still look for my own path among the stars.

The last two lines of this part hit me right in the heart every time I hear or see them. When I was pondering suicide I slammed many doors on others trying to help me. I didn't know what to do. I felt bad for even needing their help, but what help could they give me? I thought nobody could help me anymore, that I permanently had horrible pain all the time and nothing could erase it. It crossed my mind to kill myself, if only to stop my existence, stop the agony for a split second. I remember slamming those doors and it chills me to the bone every time I think of those that never opened their doors again.

"It's not as if this barricade
Blocks the only road
It's not as if you're all alone
In wanting to explode"

This passage reminds me of the severe limits I have encountered throughout my life. Whether it is the pain of my genetic disorder, or a C on my report card, it always felt like a huge roadblock if I failed at something I gave a shit about. The thought that this isn't totally a personal failing, that others are in trouble with you too is actually more comforting than we give it credit for, and it is something we are losing when we look at friends' social media posts and only witness their successes.

"Someone set a bad example
Made surrender seem all right
The act of a noble warrior
Who lost the will to fight"

I have had friends kill themselves before. It is a gruesome ordeal, parent(s) sobbing, friends incorrigible, but it didn't never phased me as much. I walked along the razor's edge many times, and it is some of the worst pain imaginable. Nobody should have to go through it alone and I am lucky I had the will to stay alive.

I am no better than those who lost something venturing across the pass, or those that killed themselves because they had enough. It is important to understand both sides. Living is hard, living with depression or other disorders is even harder. I understand those who have laid down their arms and embraced death, it is such a hollow realization, but I believe if more people understood what it is like to travel the pass, nobody would have to travel it alone.

"No hero in your tragedy
No daring in your escape
No salutes for your surrender
Nothing noble in your fate
Christ, what have you done?"

Some of my favorite books growing up were about dystopian worlds. I remember vividly the protagonist dying in some grand display for their good values as a last protest against society. This is where Peart really speaks his piece. There isn't anything good about killing yourself. It won't bring validation to anything or right any wrongs you've committed. There are better things to do with life than to throw it away so easily. You can live with a purpose, but you can't do anything if you are dead. It may be hard, but you too can make it across the pass.

Thank you for reading this article, if you have any questions or comments, or just need someone to talk to please let me know. Also give the song a listen, great lyrics and musicianship!

If you are suicidal or need help please call the national hotline anytime at: (1-800-273-8255)