Normal girlfriends are cute and like to snuggle up on the couch with you and kill 4 seasons of Grey's Anatomy. They'll text you "Goodmorning, baby!" when they first wake up and "Goodnight, sugar lips!" when they head to sleep. Or maybe they don't say goodnight because they fall asleep texting you because they think you're so interesting that you're worth losing sleep over. They like to be told they're beautiful and you can't live without them and you love them so much. They cry when they're hurt and scream when they're mad. Normal girlfriends get jealous- so you know they care.
Me? Hell. No.
My "snuggling" is more like my body sprawled out over yours while you suffocate beneath me. If you ask me to sit on the couch for an entire day, I'll lose my mind. I like days where I can lay down at night and know that I'll never forget this day. I hate feeling like a day passed where I didn't make a memory.
I'll forget to text you until 6 p.m. and then call you in a panic because I want you to come somewhere with me and we have to be there in an hour. You definitely won't catch me calling you sugar lips. It'll be more along the lines of "weenie" or "loser" or "idiot".
If you tell me I'm beautiful, I get extremely uncomfortable. My chin sinks into my neck like a turtle and I'll manage to utter "thank you", except sometimes it comes out as "ew". And if you say you can't live without me, I'll give you a lecture on how that's not good. You should be emotionally stable on your own. When I'm hurt, I go into my shell. I don't fight or yell. I'm nearly impossible to read.
And I (almost) never get jealous. If you're going to cheat on me, go for it. Me being crazy or freaking out isn't going to stop you and why would I even want to try to stop you? You're a cheater- you're easily replaceable.
And arguably, the worst part about dating me is that I can't ever just "let the chips fall". I am blunt as hell. If I have a problem, you'll know exactly what it is and why I'm upset about it. I won't just sit and wait for the problem to fix itself or give you time to figure it out or give myself time to calm down. I'm more of a "shove the chips off the table and then see how they land" kind of girl. And that can be a lot to handle.
I'll never be the girl who rocks at being a girlfriend. I hate flowers and fancy dinners and surprises (I hate surprises). I'm terrible at acting like a normal person in public.
I'd rather go to a shady bar and sing karaoke with some old guy named Bubba until 3 A.M. than go to some steakhouse. And I'd rather you bring home something that reminded you of me than flowers. And I'd rather die than know I'm getting a surprise (I seriously, really, truly, hate surprises).
If I ever do get married (Lord help that man), it'll be because he's my best friend. It'll be more of "I have so much fun with this human" and less of "look at all these things he does for me/says to me!" I go on a ridiculous amount of adventures. I like to show people restaurants and cities and activities that I love and I love when people do the same for me. If I'm going to spend that many years with another human, I want to fill them with adventures- not compliments and gifts. I know that I'm not perfect and I don't want someone to act like I am.
That's really why I'm the worst. I won't let you act like I'm so great. I know I'm not. I know I'm too loud and talk too much and make a lot of mistakes and say things I shouldn't and I have difficulties talking about my feelings and I'm really bad at math- and lots of other stuff. If you deny my flaws, you aren't loving every piece of me and I'll call you out for it.
I don't want to be on a pedestal. I want to be a best friend.