A subtle asshole walks that fine, mysterious line between good and evil with poise and grace, ranking slightly above Forgetting To Call Your Mom On Her Birthday but staying far away from the realm of Proud Trump Supporter.

Subtle assholes partake in mild shenanigans – swerving into parking spots at the last minute with gleeful laughter at the slowpoke who was too slow to get there first – without facing the consequences of social rejection and removal from several Facebook friends’ lists.

Blondes don’t have more fun. Subtle assholes have more fun. So don your humanity cap and give these steps a try for a more sophisticated path to asshole tomfoolery.

Author's disclaimer: as I am a perfect human, I have never done any of these things.

Step 1: Secretly use your roommate's shampoo.

All people quietly think their roommates take their stuff but feel weird about openly admitting it. Ever lost a hair tie or headphones or your favorite shirt or your wallet or your favorite shoes that you never wear in the rain or your leftovers that you were looking forward to eating and blamed your roommate? There’s a lot of potential in this one, so have some fun: use a bunch of your roomie’s most expensive shampoo – don’t be shy! – and give them a hug.

Step 2: Don't learn peoples' names.

Not learning names is the fastest, easiest way to tell people that they’re not relevant or significant to your life. Highly recommended both at home and in the workplace.

Step 3: Be that guy who comments on Facebook posts to tell people how incorrect their grammar is.

Imagine how much fun this person has calling people out on things that no one but them seems to care about. Plus, if you do this, there’s like an 83% chance you’ll make a grammar mistake in your own snarky criticisms of others. Which is such poetic subtle asshole irony that I just can’t.

Step 4: Start offensive statements with "No offense..."

Boom! You can say whatever you want and it’s okay because you already said “no offense.” It’s a certified get out of jail free card.

Step 5: Leave passive-aggressive Post-It notes for your roommates.

Rent due soon and your roommate so engrossed with watching every episode of Chopped on Netflix that they are likely to forget? Sink piling with dishes, approaching the level of the next Leaning Tower of Pisa, and threatening to spark a Roomie Showdown? A nice, passive-aggressive Post-It note should do the trick! Sarah: I know you’re going to clean the bathroom before I get home. Or else. Love ya! Allie. Ps. I’ve bought dish soap the past three times. Just saying. :)

Step 6: Tell women "Your hair is too short" or "You should wear less makeup."

#thatpatriarchythough

Step 7: Name drop "my girlfriend/boyfriend/partner" every ten minutes.

When you are in a relationship with a significant other, you should remind everyone around you of that at every possible opportunity. The rest of us – the lonely, single, miserable selects – simply do not have the brainpower to remember this highly important information. Please, tell me again about your plans to go to Olive Garden tonight and post pictures all over the social media.

Step 7: Ask a recent graduate or a senior in their last term what their plans for their future are and expect them to have a solid answer.

Honestly, that's all it takes.