Love is a tricky business. It's both a verb and a noun. It can be meaningful or habitual. It can be an idea, or it can be an emotion. Love is said to be the most powerful source on the planet. So why is it that people can so easily fall in and out of love? One of the reasons that would be is because we are horrible at knowing just how to love one another. Everyone loves differently, and everyone accepts love differently. That is what this study is about--how people love and how people expect to be loved.

Gary Chapman wrote a book entitledThe 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. With his job as a marriage counselor, Chapman has witnessed people falling in and out of love plenty of times to recognize the basic languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

---

Words of Affirmation

Our words are a very powerful force. We use words all the time! Just about the most prominent thing we do as humans is speak. But words aren't always a blessing. With our words, we can make someone's heart soar, but just as easily tear them apart in the same sentence. Words of Affirmation is simply put as words that build up. For example, words of affirmation would be compliments, appreciation, encouragement, and kind and humble words. These seem rather basic and simple, but you would be surprised how little we use these in our daily communication.

Say that you come home from a really long day at work where nothing had gone your way that day. When you finally get home, you sit down feeling completely exhausted and worn out. Just when you seem to catch your breath, your partner comes in and asks you to take out the trash. You're whole day comes crashing down at you all at once as you slowly make your way to do as asked. However, when you come back inside, your partner has a plate of your favorite meal waiting for you on the table and graciously thanks you for all your hard work, saying nothing would be right without you there by their side. Now your day seems a little bit brighter.

What about encouragement? Not everyone is confident in who they are. Most of us are very insecure about ourselves. Chapman explains that, "The latent potential within your spouse in his or her areas of insecurity may await your encouraging words." But be warned. There is a fine line between encouraging someone to pursue what they want and pressuring someone to do something you think they should do.

---

Quality Time

Quality time is a very basic ,but very BIG part of a working relationship. Spending "quality time" means giving your significant other your absolute and undivided attention-no distractions. This means that "Netflix and chill" isn't going to cut it. Instead, find something that you both enjoy and go do it, whether it's hiking, laser-tag (I recommend that one highly), or even just going to Walmart and exploring the toy section. As long as you remember why you guys are going out together then you're in the right spot.

When you give someone at least ten minutes of your attention, you are saying, "Nothing else matters except you right here and right now in this moment." You both are connected in that moment in time. As a result, you can have a real conversation with actual feelings. Share your thoughts, experiences, feelings and desires so that you can both understand each other inside and out. Show your partner that you understand what they're saying and that you're not just listening to make them happy, but really listening. Be real with your partner because if their love language is quality time, you're missing the mark

---

Receiving Gifts

We all remember that elementary school "relationship" where one usually gave random things to the other in order to please them. That is actually not too far from the next language which is Receiving Gifts. Please don't misunderstand. I'm not saying go to Kay Jewelers and get your high school girlfriend a diamond necklace just for the rewards afterwards. I'm saying find where your heart is in the giving. Chapman represents gifts as "visual symbols of love". Something that you can look at and say to yourself, "They love me" ,or "They remembered me."

A gift can be very simple. It can be a flower you saw on the way home from jogging that you gave to your partner because it made you smile. Or, it can be a small vacation you took off of work for because your partner was missing you. For some people, their love language is that visual symbol of love, and just seeing that symbol every day helps them truly recognize that love you hold for them. That gift is an attachment- a treasure. So next time, don't take giving gifts lightly.

---

Acts of Service

A love language that a lot of people dread is the Acts of Service. Don't think that I mean "slave over your partner because you have to". I'm talking about the small things that you wouldn't even think of as an act of love. There was one time where my mom came home completely spent after work ,and on top of that she had customers coming over later for her to do their hair. The first thing she did when she came home was look at the kitchen- more specifically at the pile of dishes- and she almost lost it. At first I was confused about why she was so mad. Moms are supposed to do the dishes, right? But then it hit me. Since I had the day off of classes, she had hoped to come home to a clean kitchen and go relax before she had to go to work again.

That's when I realized all mothers share the love language of Acts of Service. The next time my mom was out all day, and I came home early, I cleaned up the kitchen. The look on her face totally confirmed my suspicion. For a person who's love language is Acts of Service, they do stuff for you to show you their love, and then sit back in hope that you would do something for them to show your own love.

However, don't mistake requests and demands. They're not the same thing. If you constantly demand things from your partner, don't expect them to give it up without some sort of aching feeling of being used. That's just not how it works. Instead, request ,and then give back just a little bit more then you receive.

Chapman quotes, " When we treat our partners as objects, we preclude the possibility of love. Manipulation by guilt ("If you were a good spouse, you would do this for me") is not the language of love. Coercion by fear ("You will do this or you will be sorry") is alien to love...We may allow ourselves to be used, but we are in fact creatures of emotions, thoughts, and desires."

---

Physical Touch

The last love language is my personal love language- Physical Touch. Now, I'm not going directly for the "s" word. No, I'm talking about simple touch. A hug, a kiss, a brush of hands, sitting close to one another on the couch, fingers combing through your hair- these are the types of physical touch I mean. For some people (me for example), physical touch is our main love language and without it, we can slowly start to feel unloved. With it, however, it can mean security for that person. When a baby is first born, what do you think is the most important thing for it? If you guessed physical touch then you get a gold star! Babies need that sense of security from their mothers, just like some people need that security from the ones they love. Without that security, it could feel like a punch in the gut or a ice cold stab to the heart.

Obviously, there are limits to physical touch. Just because your partner loves touch, doesn't mean all touches are the same as the other. If you're confused, just let your partner be your guide. They know how they want to be loved, so let them show you. Don't insist that you know exactly what they want and have at it. That could end in disaster.

Touch is also important in a crisis. How many times have you cried yourself to sleep and felt completely alone? Now, how many of those times did you find yourself curled up in a ball and hugging yourself? This is because we all go back to that time when we were babies ,and needed to be swaddled and coddled. Holding your partner when they're feeling down is probably the most important thing you could ever do. Words can flow in and out of ears, but the sense of touch lingers.

---

Conclusion

Now that you understand what the love languages are, it's time to find out which language is yours and which one is your partner's. The love language you might have, might not be the language your partner has. As Chapman puts it, "Your emotional love language and the language of your partner may be as different as Chinese from English." To find out your language, Chapman gives this simple test:

1. What does your partner do of fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably you love language.

2. What have you most often requested of your partner? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.

3. In what way do you regularly express love to your partner? Your method of expression love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.

Once you and your partner have decided which language is which, discuss it with each other to see how you can use these to strengthen your relationship and communicate love to one other. You'll be surprised how much better your love life is once you learn the basic languages of love.