Yesterday, I was running, and for the first time in seven months, I was truly running. I could feel my veins expanding as the blood rushed through them trying to supply my body with every last drop. My lungs felt as if they could burst; no amount of oxygen was enough. My legs were numb, but yet completely exasperated.
To me, that is running.
Most days, I go for a run. I don't stress over time or my pace, but yesterday, I was running. There's this place that runners go on the bad days; maybe it's their favorite trail or hills. But it doesn't exactly matter where they are. Most importantly, it's what they find. What they find isn't a physical object, but a state of mind.
This state of mind is survival mode.
You seem to forget what you got on your test, or who pissed you off today, or the bills you have to pay tomorrow. You are on the verge of a complete blackout. It is the most intriguing feeling.
Your ears are ringing, and all you can hear is your unsteady breath and your feet pounding the pavement. You have no intentions of stopping. You are in your zone.
Yesterday, I found that headspace I have been dying to feel for far too long. I had one manta I found myself repeating over and over again each time my legs felt fatigued.
"You're standing between doubt and desire. One of them is keeping you from your dream, one of them is fueling your dream. Choose wisely."
I couldn't shake this thought. As I was in the back of the pack trying to keep up with my old teammates, I knew that the easiest thing to do would be to turn around and quit. I could've told myself that I am not the runner I used to be, and never will be.
With that attitude, I am absolutely right. That's the doubt. But holding on for one more second, one more rep; when I feel like I can't go on anymore, that's desire.
Desire isn't a feeling you can learn. Desire is engraved in you from the moment you decide you're not giving up. Yesterday, I made the choice to see what I was capable of. I saw that fear has been holding me back from so many accomplishments.
That's not just with running or sports, but school and my future. I always sell myself short; I have the passion to do anything I set my mind to. I have the work ethic to achieve all of my goals. Yet, I let my fear and doubt stand between me and my dreams.
It's exhausting to doubt yourself 24/7 when you're pouring 100% of all you have into your goals.
Imagine if I allowed my body to feel the way about my future that I did on that really hard run. What if I stop holding myself back and tap into that freeing state of mind, where I can't feel my body and I'm totally numb, but in a way, that's putting me closer to my dreams?
Is that even possible? Or will I live in doubt for a long time? I decided to not wait around to find out. Instead, I'm going to wake up every day and decided to chase not only my dreams but my desires, too.