Christmas time is supposed to be the happiest time of the year. For most people it is, but for people struggling with depression, it can be very difficult to get through the holidays. I love everything about the holidays! The cookies. The family dinners. The presents. Seeing friends and family I don't get to see very often. The Christmas lights, and all things Christmas. But depression has made the holidays a hard time for me for a number of years.
The hardest thing for me about the holidays is I know it's supposed to be a happy time of year, so I force myself to act happy, even though it's completely fake. And the problem with faking it is the more I fake it the more depressed I become. I feel bad for putting out a fake version of myself to my family and friends when I see them during this time of year, but I'd much rather have them think I'm doing fine than be worried about me. There's so much taboo around depression and I have such a hard time talking about my own struggles with it, that I'd rather just pretend it wasn't there.
Although I try to hide it from others, that doesn't mean I can completely cover up my mental illness during the holidays. There have been times where I go to a holiday party where I end up completely zoning out because my brain is consumed by depression and I can't fathom putting on the happy face. There have been times where I have full intentions of going on a holiday outing or go visiting family or friends, but I have to cancel my plans because getting myself dressed and presentable seemed like the biggest chore in the world. There have been times where I got so overwhelmed by holiday stress that it drove me to have multiple mental breakdowns over the course of the holidays. I've experienced all of these things in the past and I'm sure I'll experience at least some of them during the upcoming holiday.
If others were to know how many times I've cried to my parents out of pure anxiety and stress from the holidays I feel like they'd think I'm crazy, but this is all part of having depression during the holidays. Usually, my depression actually gets worse during the holidays and I'm sure many others experience the same thing. I wish it was socially acceptable to not be extremely happy during the holidays, but it's all part of the stigma around mental illness. I hope someday people will understand that depression doesn't magically disappear during the holidays. Or that we can't just overload ourselves on holiday cheer and we'll be happy. I know it's asking a lot, but my hope for the future. Past Christmases, this Christmases, and future Christmases I will continue to ask Santa to help fight this nasty thing called depression and to also stop the stigma of mental illness.