Over the past six years, I have grown so much as a person and overcome a lot of personal struggles. I rarely have things that trigger me, but last week I was severely triggered by a cruel joke. I thought I had overcome my demons, but this situation showed me that I still have work to do.

When I was about 13 years old I started to self harm, I cut myself almost every day for six years. There were times when I was able to go a few months without this detrimental coping mechanism but a stressful situation would occur and I would turn back to my old habits. It turned into an addiction and became very ritualistic, but it was very frightening as well.

I had no coping skills when it came to stressful situations or feelings of abandonment. Something bad would happen and I just could not handle it emotionally so I would turn to cutting to help me feel better, for a short while anyways. When a person inflicts harm upon themselves in any way it releases endorphins that block the pain, which in turn causes the person to believe that this practice is making them feel better. I learned very quickly how much of an addiction cutting could become.

I hated myself, I hated my life, and I hated what I was doing to my body but I could not stop. I was in a deep depression. I could barely get out of bed every day, let alone go to school and try to act as if everything was okay. I felt so alone in the world, and I was heartbroken by all of the bad things I had experienced in my life. My biological parents died when I was a baby, my adoptive father died when I was four, my grandfather died when I was eight, and many other people died as well. Our house was foreclosed when I was about 11 or 12, we lived in a hotel for two years, and I cannot even count the number of times we went without heat, hot water, and electricity. And because of all of these hard times in life, I viewed myself into a victim. I cried every single day. I cut every single day. I lived in misery; in a darkness so black it consumed me.

I got to a point that my arm was so covered in cuts it frightened me. I was terrified of what I was doing to myself and I could not get my emotions under control. I went to my school counselor, pulled up my sleeve and told her I needed help. I was sent to a psychiatrist and he diagnosed me with Bipolar disorder when I was 16-years-old (sometimes I still question whether or not it was an accurate diagnosis). I tried medication and therapy but I hated my therapist and the medications made me numb, which was not what I needed at that time. So, I stopped taking the medications and did not go to therapy. It took me an additional three years to stop cutting for good and to get out of my deep depression. I overcame the self-mutilation. I moved forward and have made my life into one worth living. I have found the man of my dreams, who supports everything that I do. I have a good job and strive to continue moving up in my company.

With all the steps I have made forward, I still get triggered. I do not like to touch razor blades nor do I like looking at them. I find it difficult to look at photos or videos of self-mutilation. It saddens me and because I have gone through it, the feelings of intense empathy are almost overwhelming. My scars are revolting to me now and I hope to cover them completely with tattoos at some point.

Recently, a few of my friends made a joke and offered me razor blades because I "seemed sad" that day. I was so shocked and while they did not do this out of malice, I broke down and started crying. I was flung right back into my 16-year-old mind and it scared me because that is the last place I wanted to be. I left that girl in the past the day I stopped victimizing myself and it is not who I am now. But, it reminded me that sometimes life is hard, and I got through a very dark portion of my life. I have scars, I have triggers, but I have a life worth living now and no one can take that away from me.

If you suffer from a mental illness or have ever felt as though your life is not worth living, I implore you, never give up. Keep fighting for your life, keep fighting for your happiness, just keep fighting. Triggers will occur and while they are difficult to deal with, you must deal with them appropriately and then move forward. Some people believe triggers are not even real, I can assure you they are. And they are frightening. But, they remind me of where I started and how much I have progressed over the years. They remind me of my strength and endurance. They tell me that I have not lost my motivation to be a better person. It is okay to have triggers but you must face them and not run away. Sometimes it is best to face your problems head on and conquer them. Do not let the demons rule your life, let your life rule your demons.