Vulnerability has become synonymous with weakness in our society. We have been taught to feel shame about the slightest revelation of our dependencies. We have numbed vulnerability, tried to run away from painful emotions or even the possibility of a painful emotion. Some of us have our guard up so high and feel that this equates to strength. This is even more prevalent among men who have been told as young boys to “suck it up and be a man.”
We build an armor for ourselves, hide away our flaws, and beat ourselves up when we make the slightest mistake. To show our true authentic selves can be terrifying. What if we are rejected? What if we are misunderstood? No, we don’t want that, so time after time we retreat again, we go for the beer or medication, we become defensive, we avoid the painful emotions. Over and over again.
It’s no wonder America has become a sick society.
But vulnerability and the ability to be vulnerable doesn’t equate to weakness. It is a strength. The ability to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen, is what allows for connection and love and a sense of belonging to prosper.
There is a wonderful Ted talk on the power of vulnerability by researcher and professor Brené Brown who spent decades trying to understand Shame and Vulnerability. And what she learned turned her world around as well as mine. Shame is the reason for disconnection and what underpinned shame was vulnerability.
“I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.” – Brené Brown
Vulnerability then becomes a puzzling paradox. Because on one hand, yes, it makes us more susceptible to uncomfortable emotions like heartbreak and pain. But on the other hand, it is also where love and our sense of belonging come to life. We can’t have one without the other.
What people do more often than not is try to numb vulnerability as much as possible. Yet it is impossible to selectively numb the painful emotions without also numbing happiness, love, joy, gratitude and the ability to be our authentic selves.
Vulnerability allows for healthy relationships. It is challenging but allows for growth in strength in the end. It allows for authenticity. It helps us feel connected to one another. It gives us a sense of belonging. And it is courageous.
Allow yourself to be seen. Stop catastrophizing. Let go of your need to control. Be thankful. Accept yourself in every state and be patient—you will make mistakes and that is O.K. Truly believe that you are enough and do so by cultivating an unconditional love for yourself every day. Don’t take things that others do so personally, it is a reflection of their own internal life. Teach young boys how to healthily express their emotions.
Embrace vulnerability because it is courage. And we need more love to be cultivated in a time that is at times confusing and dark.