A Stormtrooper's Life Is A Lot Like Mine
Start writing a post
Entertainment

A Stormtrooper's Life Is A Lot Like Mine

One hapless servant of a galaxy-spanning empire spends his last few moments ranting in a massive space station's trash compactor.

191
A Stormtrooper's Life Is A Lot Like Mine
flickr

You probably think I deserve this, don’t you? Oh sure, it’s all fun and games until you’re knocked down the chute to a space station’s trash compactor by some barely post-pubescent farm boy with a laser sword. Unless you’re the barely post-pubescent farm boy with a laser sword, in which case I imagine it continues being fun and games.

You’re probably thinking “Who the hell is this guy to complain? What right could a space Nazi working on a moon-sized planet destroyer have to air any sort of grievance against premature death?” Well, not all that much. Unless you count the fact that I went to university, earned a degree in xenocultural studies, and struggled to support a family despite my considerable education.

I didn’t even sign up for the Imperial military; I just got drafted when the rebellion started gaining traction. I’m not a soldier! I can barely hold a blaster and pull the trigger at the same time, let alone hit some laser-wielding maniac with the ability to move things with his mind. No wonder they sent me to the most self-sustaining, heavily armored, thoroughly overmanned space station in the galaxy.

My boss is a dick, too.

Or he was, before that charming rogue blasted half his face off. Not that you would have seen that his face was missing its better half. Do you know what it’s like working in a place where everyone wears face-concealing helmets? You can’t tell your best buddy from your workplace nemesis. The easiest way to identify someone is by trying to guess their height in inches and then comparing that number to your mental database of heights and names, which is damn near impossible and not really worthy of the term “easiest.”

Sure, built-in helmet radios might solve that problem, if the chub bucket’s internal computer didn’t include an unnecessary process that converts literally everyone’s voice to a single, simplified drawl. I’ve lost three friends to “workplace hazards” (rogue droids, accidental blaster discharge, toilets made for the wrong species) since showing up on this big ball of bullsh*t, and I swear all three screamed the same scream when they died.

I just saw an eye stalk pop out of the turd-colored water here. You know the worst thing about living in a galaxy with countless sapient lifeforms? There’s just no easy way to determine who’s a thinking, feeling being, who’s a monster who will have you for lunch, and who’s an acceptable lunch target for you.

Sure, you can always try screaming at the buggers, but there’s no guarantee that you can even produce sounds at a frequency in their hearing range.

Even if they can see you, and not all of them can, they might mistake a physical action on your part as an insult from their own culture – even when the physical action in question is “walking like a freaking human being.” And that’s not even the worst of it: one of the lunch ladies at my alma mater could only see by more or less molesting the thing she was trying to see, and she was a ten-ton block of slimy tentacles – blind as a bat, only without any echolocation to help out.

Before you say anything, let me remind you that I have a degree in xenocultural studies; I have a lot of friends whose senses are completely alien to me. But you can consider someone a disgusting wretch that crawled forth from an otherworldly hell and still have respect for their culture.

“Otherworldly hell” is a pretty apt description of my current surroundings. I’ve been in this trash compactor for hours at this point. It can’t be much longer until everything here gets dumped out into the vacuum of space, which will really suck.

Wait a second; I think I just heard something coming down the main reactor’s exhaust vent. I wonder if it’s a rescue party?

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
a man and a woman sitting on the beach in front of the sunset

Whether you met your new love interest online, through mutual friends, or another way entirely, you'll definitely want to know what you're getting into. I mean, really, what's the point in entering a relationship with someone if you don't know whether or not you're compatible on a very basic level?

Consider these 21 questions to ask in the talking stage when getting to know that new guy or girl you just started talking to:

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

Challah vs. Easter Bread: A Delicious Dilemma

Is there really such a difference in Challah bread or Easter Bread?

17291
loaves of challah and easter bread stacked up aside each other, an abundance of food in baskets
StableDiffusion

Ever since I could remember, it was a treat to receive Easter Bread made by my grandmother. We would only have it once a year and the wait was excruciating. Now that my grandmother has gotten older, she has stopped baking a lot of her recipes that require a lot of hand usage--her traditional Italian baking means no machines. So for the past few years, I have missed enjoying my Easter Bread.

Keep Reading...Show less
Adulting

Unlocking Lake People's Secrets: 15 Must-Knows!

There's no other place you'd rather be in the summer.

946243
Group of joyful friends sitting in a boat
Haley Harvey

The people that spend their summers at the lake are a unique group of people.

Whether you grew up going to the lake, have only recently started going, or have only been once or twice, you know it takes a certain kind of person to be a lake person. To the long-time lake people, the lake holds a special place in your heart, no matter how dirty the water may look.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Top 10 Reasons My School Rocks!

Why I Chose a Small School Over a Big University.

122965
man in black long sleeve shirt and black pants walking on white concrete pathway

I was asked so many times why I wanted to go to a small school when a big university is so much better. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure a big university is great but I absolutely love going to a small school. I know that I miss out on big sporting events and having people actually know where it is. I can't even count how many times I've been asked where it is and I know they won't know so I just say "somewhere in the middle of Wisconsin." But, I get to know most people at my school and I know my professors very well. Not to mention, being able to walk to the other side of campus in 5 minutes at a casual walking pace. I am so happy I made the decision to go to school where I did. I love my school and these are just a few reasons why.

Keep Reading...Show less
Lots of people sat on the cinema wearing 3D glasses
Pinterest

Ever wonder what your friend meant when they started babbling about you taking their stapler? Or how whenever you ask your friend for a favor they respond with "As You Wish?" Are you looking for new and creative ways to insult your friends?

Well, look no further. Here is a list of 70 of the most quotable movies of all time. Here you will find answers to your questions along with a multitude of other things such as; new insults for your friends, interesting characters, fantastic story lines, and of course quotes to log into your mind for future use.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments