When I look at my full planner, I somehow feel a small hint of pride, as if I think I – a naïve twenty-year-old college student – have it all. Look at all of my meetings, and assignments, and the checkmarks saying how productive I’ve been today. But this pride in my overwhelmed schedule has taken a toll.

In recent weeks, this glamorization of busyness has been wrestling with my mental health, and it looked like neither was winning for a while. Both were exhausted; my overwhelming planner was still held close while I found it hard to get out of bed in the morning. More and more, I was getting a full night of sleep but waking up still tired.

The days were spent going through ups and downs: from being incredibly productive yet isolated, to being entirely unproductive yet social, to just wanting to sit alone and watch movies because I had no desire to be around people and no motivation to work. Sometimes all three would happen in one day, and it was exhausting.

I couldn't wait to go to sleep each night so I could get away from the mental ruin for a while. Life was draining everything out of me.

For a while, I was just waiting for it to end. Once I take this test, or write this paper, or finish this assignment, or get through this week, I’ll be fine. Life will be back to normal. Everything will be okay. But once I took the test, wrote the paper, finished the assignment, finished the week, more came.

Deadlines kept coming. Obligations arose. Life kept happening.

I would count down the days to my next free day, even when I knew it would inevitably be filled with homework or socializing by the time it actually rolled around. I would look forward to when my day’s to-do list was fully checked off, fully knowing I would have to get started on the next day’s tasks to keep from falling behind.

But I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of waiting for time. I’m tired of waiting for life to be less busy. I’m tired of waiting for everything to stabilize. I’m tired of waiting for everything to work out. I’m tired of taking a passive role in my own life.

I’ve started taking control of my time again. I don’t have control of my circumstances, or even my life that belongs to the Lord, not me. But I do have control of my time and how I choose to spend it.

Conscious choices in my time - using it to do homework, socialize and rest - has helped tremendously. It’s not a revolutionary idea, and it’s not even new to me. But it’s one I had forgotten. I was allowing life to happen to me, watching nearly every aspect of it spiral out of my hands.

I’m still working on regaining my time; exhaustion is all-consuming and not something which can be taken care of with one day of choices. It’s a state you have to push your way through without really knowing what the end goal is. But, so far, the end of my idealized busyness is coming to an end and my mental health has the upper hand in this fight.