My friend and I lived our life by a simple mantra: “But it’s fine.”

You know the story already. When she asked me how I was doing, I’d spout off a few of the things going wrong, then smile, shrug, and finish up with a “But it’s fine.” Then we’d laugh and she would respond in the same manner. It became a sort of joke between us, if a solemn one. Needless to say, we most definitely were not “fine.” But if we were to admit that, especially to someone else, we’d be regarded as “unstable.”

So we make some jokes, laugh together, and let the depression stay inside.

I know what you’re thinking: Here we go again. This is such old news that it’s fallen into cliché. I’ve heard just about everyone complain about how nobody ever answers the “how are you” question honestly, and yet nobody’s truly changing.

Apparently, our generation’s best solution is a trendy joke that usually goes something like, “lol, I’m such a mess.” I’ll admit that I’ve used this line because it’s an easy way to be “honest” in a way that doesn’t label me as different and prevents a long and exhausting conversation. But that’s where the problem lies. The phrase has become so common that by now, it means nothing. It doesn’t allow us to really work out our feelings and it doesn’t invite conversation.

Furthermore, labeling ourselves as “messes” is real and troubling self-degradation.

We downplay the difficulties we face by shoving them all under this umbrella term. Worse, this term makes mental illness or emotional difficulty into a self-deficiency rather than genuine struggles. We target ourselves as people rather than the problem we’re facing. This is, in essence, name-calling. These are the actions of a childhood bully, not of someone trying to be honest about their feelings.

Finally, we’ve made it cool to be a “mess.” It’s not cool to bring up your mental illness too much. It’s not cool to admit failure. It’s not cool to cry in front of other people. But it is cool to frantically attempt to figure things out alone and cover it all up with the word “mess.” This one-word trend clearly isn’t going to solve this cultural epidemic.

I think we all know by now that mental illness is real and almost, dare I say, common. And those who are not experiencing mental illness all face rough patches. But we still brush any negative emotions under empty umbrella phrases, assuming such issues should be fleshed out privately.

Well, I don’t want you to do that with me anymore. You be honest with me and I’ll be honest with you.

I don’t want your jokes and memes about how you’re a “mess.” That is so surface level you might as well be performing perfection like everyone else. Tell me why you cry at night. Tell me what expectations are scaring you. Tell me where you’re at in your pursuit of your dreams. Tell me how therapy is going. Try to explain that indescribable feeling you get sometimes.

How are you doing? Are you okay? Before you answer, stop. Slow down. Think it through. Think it through out loud with me, if you’d like. I want to hear the whole truth. We’ll make it through together. We’re more than just “messes.”