Veganism isn’t for everybody - that’s for sure.
We all know how easy it is to lose ourselves in a delicious hamburger, but it’s high time that we screw our heads on straight. Think about it: You and I may have the luxury of drooling over a fine cut of rib-eye steak, but the very cow that gave its life for you had to eat GRASS! Ever heard of it, you spineless coward? Try spending your whole life on four legs, trying to digest grass and dirt with your four stomachs. I bet you wouldn't last a week! If cows aren’t allowed to eat beef, then we shouldn’t be either.
Get your head out of the gutter and listen up. It’s time for a change. Here are some facts for you, sicko.
Before animals are given to us to eat, they are KILLED. That’s right. That chicken cutlet you had last night? That used to be an actual, breathing chicken. Chickens don’t give birth to cooked and breaded nuggets, not matter what the big Chicken Lobby says. Second fact: No animal has ever asked to be killed and turned into food. Newsflash: Animals don’t speak English! If you think that your beef patty stood up on his hind legs and begged articulately for his own death, guess again buddy! And try this one on for size: Eating an animal’s heart does not give you their bravery. I’m absolutely sick of hearing this excuse! The only way to gain an animal’s valor is to defeat it in combat and drink its blood - good luck getting a slice of courage at Burger King.
Now that you have a bit of knowledge loaded into that delicious brain of yours, it’s time to start taking action.
There’s nothing quite like giving up meat. It may be a struggle to turn away your favorite dishes at first, but you’ll soon find that you’ve made the right choice. The first step of your journey into veganism should begin like any other day: scaling the highest mountain in your nearest sovereign nation, planting a four leaf clover at her peak, and summoning the Old Gods. They will appear before you, berating you for the unnatural choice you are about to make. Ignore them.
They’ll begin to throw slices of uncooked bacon, live sheep, and promotional posters for MasterChef at you. Let a small chuckle fall from your lips - ‘all is well’ - as you slowly unsheathe your dagger. Leap from the precipice and plunge your unflinching iron into the hearts of Earth’s creators. Unleash a passionate 'moo' towards the heavens as you feel your blade dig deeply into its target. Once all is said and done, give yourself a big pat on the back! Step 1: Complete!
I won’t sugarcoat it - what comes next isn’t easy. You’re going to start missing all your favorite foods. You’ll catch a whiff of chicken parmesan at every street corner. Pulled pork and baby back ribs will begin to pervade your dreams. Double cheeseburgers will screech in your ear as you run, desperate and afraid. You will never be faster than the hunger. Brisket will await you at every turn. Sloppy joes will take hold of your loved ones. Soon, you will know the hunger like no other. You must feast. You must consume. Feel the hairs grow thick on your arms. Allow your back to hunch and your nails to turn yellow. Howl at the night sky for cursing you with your fiery hunger. Unfortunately, you’re a werewolf now.
Remember, you won’t become a vegan in a day! In fact, it will take nine years. You will spend the majority of that time as a feral monster. Keeping the meat out of your life is all about the little choices: maybe take off the B on that BLT today. Tofu instead of steak tonight? That’s manageable. A salad instead of a sandwich? I could probably use that anyways! Refraining from quenching your bloodthirst on nightly rampages through the village square? Ugh - I’ll try it. Personally, I had to go cold turkey from the get-go. I knew that smelling a whiff of pork or drinking in the desperate terror in a farmer’s eyes would spell out total R-E-L-A-P-S-E for me.
But just because I’m a perfect success story doesn’t mean that your journey will be just as easy.
Take it slow. Give yourself some leeway.
A guilty bite of chicken before bed? It’s not the end of the world.
Stalking a lone shepherd through the hills of France before feasting on his flock and turning the boy into a disfigured half-demon? Give yourself a break. It’s a game of inches and every step forward is progress!
Truth be told, I still wrestle with my veganism every day. It’s not easy tracking lost tourists through national parks on an empty stomach. Try having some nuts or edamame when you need that quick energy boost! Personally, I know that a quick bite of avocado toast really does the trick when the smell of fresh blood turns me into an enraged, hairy behemoth. If you make the choice to give up meat, then I applaud you. Stay positive, keep healthy, and remember to stay away from any pesky silver bullets.