If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255
I rarely discuss it. It is something that is often just labeled as a lame cry for attention when it is often indeed a cry for help. The entire discussion around suicide, suicidal behavior, and prevention is one that is widespread but can be difficult to have. No one is for suicide, no one really believes that it will ever offer any real resolution to problems.
However, for so many and myself included it can seem like no other options are available to you.
My story is not the average one. I began experiencing gender dysphoria at a young age as well as struggles with sexuality. I was raised in a conservative, right-wing Christian home where I attended a private, Christian school. My grade was rarely over twenty people in size and I begged to go to a "normal" school. I felt jealous of my younger brother at a very early age and had no language to put to it exactly. As a college freshman, I have begun my search for my identity through gender therapy and a drug called testosterone.
The journey has been a bumpy one. The first time I heard my voice drop I felt freaked out and it is still something I continue to struggle with today. I feel not trans enough for the trans community and especially the more extremist within the community labeled as "truscum" who gatekeep and tell people if they are trans or not despite not have a degree in psychology. For me, it seemed like I could never have the life I wanted to have. I was not sure I wanted to transition completely, but also sure I wanted nothing to do with a girl body, so what was I to do? I went through option after option after option. There was no way to be reborn, to be a guy, to start childhood over, and to escape the pain that haunted me every single moment of my life.
So what was I to do?
I always found peace in sleep. My senior year of high school I would run home to my bed just to sleep. I found peace in my lack of consciousness, escaping from the world without really leaving it. It brought me peace. It brought me comfort. It brought me a sense of home. I wanted that. I wanted to be asleep forever or to escape into the afterlife. To be away from the world and with Jesus and free from the pain I felt here.
I often do grow so tired of the same cliches that are thrown at suicidal people over and over. "Suicide doesn't eliminate life getting worse, it eliminates the chance of it getting better" or "think of all the sunsets you'll miss, the food you won't eat, the laughter you won't have, of your best friend, your future husband, future wife, future kids, think of how your mom will cry or how your dad will grieve" or my personal most despised "its selfish!"
Every single one of the replies that are repeated above exclude one person and that is the individual who is actually suicidal.
It makes their pain, suffering, and inability to continue to function in the world and society as a whole a bit of a mockery.
Suicidal people shouldn't be labeled selfish for loosing out on a battle that they fought long and hard for. Individuals who struggle with suicidal thoughts are warriors. They are getting up every day and fighting a battle that so many cannot even dream of enduring.
When we lose such a battle and simply cannot continue, cannot bear to move forward and go on we are labeled selfish, selfish for loosing and selfish for not fighting harder. It is a narrative I have grown all too tired of and the cliches are all too weak and familiar.