In an ideal world, your mom and dad are soulmates and stay together forever. They grow old together and you never have to decide where you're spending Christmas or Thanksgiving. There's never any step-parents or step-siblings and everything is just a lot simpler. This wasn't my life.
My parents divorced when I was around 5 or 6. I'm honestly okay with them separating. Now that I'm an adult, I realized that if something just doesn't work, it only hurts more to hold on. Anyway, my dad has been married four times and my mom has been remarried since I was thirteen. So I'm used to step-parents. And having step-parents has been a great and awful experience for me. Most of my stepmoms weren't that nice to my brother and I.
On the other hand, my stepdad has been like a second father to me since I can remember. He would honestly take a bullet for me. On that note, I have a word for any step-parents out there, who need to realize that your relationship with your partner's child is just as important as your relationship with your partner.
Now yes, everyone knows that you will never take their biological parents' place. Your role isn't to take their place (shoutout to stepmom number #1 who forced my brother and me to call her "mom") but to shower them with even more love than they already receive. It's to maintain a strong family unit, so jumping between two houses isn't so hard on the kids. It's nice for them to see a loving couple who cares about them, no matter where they sleep that night.
Another important note to remember is this. Even though it's important to treat your stepchild as your own, they do have their actual fathers or mothers who will be in the picture for their entire lives. Your partner and his ex might be finished, but they will always have to communicate. As long as it's strictly for the children, don't ever try to berate your partner for that. It's respectful and necessary to keep in touch with each other, especially if the children are young. If you cannot be mature and cannot handle two people co-parenting, then be with someone without kids. It's that simple.
What if you are jealous, not of the ex, but of the children? I've had a stepmom or two get jealous because my father was paying more attention to my brother and I and not them. That's another thing you just have to get past. If you are marrying a man or a woman with children, you shouldn't expect anything less.
I mean, isn't that a good thing? With all the deadbeat parents out there, isn't it wonderful and damn near attractive to see your partner being such a good parent? Especially if you want children of your own together. Remember, it's not the child's fault that their parents split up, and it's definitely not their fault that they are loved. Don't ever be a negative person in their life. They have it rough enough.
You're bound to have disagreements and even fights with your step-children from time to time. It's not always going to be a happy family with dancing and singing, that would be a little weird and unrealistic. Especially since you aren't their bio parent, you're bound to clash. But never forget that you are their friend and not the enemy.
Talk it through.
Never allow yourself to be disrespected, but do not disrespect them either. Your partner watches how you treat their kids, and it is usually a huge factor in whether you two stay together. Remind them that you are not trying to be their father or mother, but you are an authority figure and you are to be respected. If you respect them and honestly love them, they will sense that and be more receptive to you. I speak from experience.
If you play your cards right, your stepchildren will love you and view you as someone they can always turn to if they need it. It can be a beautiful relationship that doesn't need to be defined by genes. It might take awhile to form, but once they see how much you care about their parent and them, it won't take long. Step-children are the extra gift in your life that you didn't even know you needed. Be a gift to them too.