My name is Byron and I’m an addict.
An addict of the sugar-bomb, blended coffee variety, that is. Though I’ve tried to drop the habit, frappuccinos sometimes call to me, a siren of the mall. I mean, hey, sometimes you need caffeine and sometimes you just need caffeine with enough sugar to charge your heart up to 1000 beats per minute.
It’s fair to say that I’ve had my share of Starbucks’ frappuccino offerings. Not all of them are created equal.
So with that, I’ve spent the past few weeks sampling my fair share of frappuccino flavors, making a ranking of the best and worst flavors. My hands are shaking, I can taste colors, and I’m likely borderline diabetic but I did this for you, America. You’re welcome.
All frappuccinos were sampled with whole milk and no whip, just to get a better sense of the drink’s best flavor. Being lactose intolerant, my gut (and my bathroom) became a war zone. But it’s all for science, so no worries.
Note- some of these flavors are either discontinued or seasonal. In some cases, this is actually good news.
12. Toasted Butterscotch Frappuccino
Ever wanted to taste disappointment without licking a participation trophy? You’re in luck.
Butterscotch, bar none, is one of my favorite flavors of all time. I was expecting the sweet bite of butterscotch with a light, smoked aftertaste. I got none of that. Instead, I got a mild butter twinge with bland cream. This frappuccino is currently discontinued. We can hope it remains that way.
11. Vanilla Bean
What is there to say about this one except that it’s bland beyond belief? Vanilla is an underrated flavor but this frappuccino does it no favors, tasting just like sugar with a mild vanilla aftertaste.
10. Red Velvet
Though pleasantly chocolatey, this one’s another skip. There’s a game attempt to incorporate raspberry and vanilla but, overall, the flavor’s confused and so was my palate.
Barely any flavor to speak of with this seasonal offering, though it’s not offensively terrible.
8. Pokemon Go
I’m generally not a fan of artificial fruit flavors but is this terrible? No. Is it something I’d order again? Probably not. The blackberry and raspberry add pleasant notes of flavor, with the only major drawback being the gritty texture of the entire deal from the freeze-dried blackberries.
7. White Chocolate
No major complaints here, though it’s a relatively one note frappuccino. Like the vanilla, this frappuccino suffers from one major issue- it’s too sweet without a lot to say for itself. Still, it’s a great flavor base. Ask for a little raspberry syrup with it and you’ve got the bomb.com on your hands.
Cinnamon’s a surprisingly nice addition to a frappuccino and, in this sweet concoction, it adds a warm element to an already creamy base. Still, the flavor’s not particularly strong but it’s on the right page.
One of the standards, it’s hard to go wrong with mocha. Boring, maybe but solidly chocolate nonetheless.
4. Java Chip
Chocolate’s always a strong choice in the frappuccino arena and Java Chip lives up to its promises. The only downside? Suck too hard and you’ll get an aerial assault on the back of your throat from wayward chocolate chips.
Strong caramel notes with a hint of butter? It’s one of the few frappuccinos that speaks for itself. Steady flavor profile and pleasantly sweet. Definitely a favorite.
2. Green Tea
Crisp, clean, and equipped with a refreshing blast of green tea, Green Tea’s not for everyone but it’s a frappuccino that knows what it’s doing (and one of my personal favorites).