As a former Starbucks Barista, I still revel in the memories I made at my store. I made friends with my co-workers and I had free coffee all the time. I made the most ridiculous (but absolutely delicious) Frappucinos that you've never heard of when times were slow and all the cleaning was done. It is every religious Starbucks drinkers dream. On the downside, I smelled like coffee all the time. All. The. Time. My skin, hair, car, clothes, room and soul smelled of syrup and espresso until the day I quit.

Part-time worker in the school year, and full-time worker in the summer. I learned the tricks of the trade and all things Starbucks in one year of working for them. And because I'm obsessed with Criminal Minds, I got in the habit of profiling all our regulars. No serial killers to speak of, but I judged a person's personality based on what they ordered. It sounds horrible to say it that way, but every Starbucks Barista does it, and when you're just going through the motions of your day job, what else is there to do?

So here's what your Starbucks barista thinks when you order your drinks.

Black Drip Coffee

You are either an old soul... or just an old person. This is the first go-to Dad drink. Cost-effective. Simple. Classic. Clearly this person doesn't vibe with all the extra stuff like us young whipper-snappers. They want to get their coffee and get out. Screw lines! This person has important Dad-places to be. Gotta make it on time to the office. Or head over to Home Depot and buy wrenches for the garage, because it's not a real Dad-owned garage without ten thousand wrenches. I have respect for this Dad, he can probably fix something that I can't, so I'll quickly fetch his coffee for him so he can be on his way.

Americanos

Americano drinkers are up-front go-getters. Americanos are basically just extra shots of espresso filled with hot water to the brim of your size of choice. They're for the people that really need that extra espresso kick and they are the easiest thing to "make." You push a button, let the shots pull, do something else while you wait, fill it with hot water and give it to the person. It's the most uncomplicated thing next to the drip coffee. So naturally, I love people who made my job easy. I felt more inclined to smile or compliment the power-suit of a down-to-earth, but busy and clearly somewhat successful Americano drinker. You're awesome Americano drinker, you just go do you out there.

Pumpkin Spice Latte/Salted Caramel Mochas/Seasonal Drinks Saturated With Sugar

Oh another one? What a surprise... not. If you are under the age of 35, white, and a girl, I already started writing up your cup as soon as you walk through the door. As I walked out of my house to go to work there are certain things I couldn't be sure of. Will I have a successful career, is it going to rain today, can I make it through one week without tripping over myself? You never know, but as soon as I walk through the double doors at Starbucks... I know only one thing. There's going to be a white girl ordering a Pumpkin Spice Latte every 10 minutes like clock-work.

Caramel Macchiatos

STIR YOUR OWN DRINK!! YOU HAVE TWO HANDS AND STIR STICKS AT THE BAR I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU MAKE ME DO THIS FOR YOU!! What else? Oh, now you want a sugar packet mixed in there? Why? To make baristas everywhere hate everything. Cool, well you did it. Good job. You're one of those high maintenance people who don't think you're high maintenance. I'm this close to bursting your bubble. If you're the only person I have to deal with, it's not the worst but when I have 20 other cups in line, the last thing I want to do is stir your drink for you.

Smoothies

Even though you don't see it, I'm cringing. You're going to spend 8 dollars on a mediocre smoothie? OK. I'm also wondering if I should tell you that you can go to Jamba Juice and get better tasting smoothies as well as... I don't know... more smoothie. The way I see it is you are either unaware of Jamba Juice's existence or you just really like over-paying for stuff, in which case, hey, I wish I had enough money to not care what I spend it on like you can. Now I'm just low-key jealous. Of your money, not your smoothie. It takes me a bit to remember how to make them, but nobody orders these so I have to go talk to my Shift/Manager (so embarrassing). Here's your dang smoothie, now get out.

Caramel Apple Spice

No ma'am it's not a seasonal drink. Yes ma'am we do them all year-round. Yes, you can order them whenever you want. Please stop talking about how this is such a surprise so I can stop pretending to be overly enthusiastic about steamed apple juice. I'm happy that this makes your day but I want to move on with my life here.

Chai Tea Lattes

Fun fact: Chai Tea Lattes have as much caffeine in them as coffee. I'm assuming that you don't know that, so I tell you to seem helpful. Then you get surprised but slightly happy about it. If you hate coffee then this is actually a good alternative. I understand and support your choice and hope you enjoy it. I also think about how I want one on my break, so I thank you for reminding me. Chai Tea Latte drinkers are usually white girls who take pride in not being considered "basic," they like a little spice, and they're probably really into art. Artistic people really like tea. Your concentrated tea preference makes me think you can look at a painting and be spiritually changed by it. I wish you luck on all your artistic endeavors chai drinker.

Lattes

I don't know why, but I never trust plain latte drinkers. Vanilla Latte? Hazelnut Latte? I can get with that, but just plain lattes make me not want to trust you. But it's still easy enough. You're most likely a chill person but I wouldn't let you house-sit for me while I go to Chelan for the weekend. That's, of course, assuming that I know you personally, which I don't, but I'm still testing my BAU profiling skills on you simply because I can.