Have you ever wondered how to be genuinely yourself? I actually ask myself the question of 'Who am I?' often. It's a weird thing to not know exactly who you are. Sometimes the line of "you" is undefined and hard to find, even though you're the one that drew it, kind of.
Sometimes I just don't have an opinion because I'm pretty adjustable. This in turn, however, carries some uneasiness, and I don't really feel individual. Some women are so confident, so sure, and so grounded in what they know, who they are, and what makes them, them. I know what I certainly want to be: kind, funny, clever, sweet, enjoyed, fun, whole, interesting, a bit quiet, wonderful.
And so I sift through hobbies that I think are going to somehow mold me into these characteristics.
I look to creativity, pictures, exercising, sports, culture, writing, reading, my husband.
Seems like really fluffy things when I write them down, but sometimes, these things are my default to the answer to satisfaction. Images and thoughts and ideas that might give some sort of definition to "me". Maybe that's why we take so many pictures so that we can help define our lives, and help others know who we are. But sometimes I wonder if I really want to know the exact and refined version of myself. I don't know if I want to find out that I'm not really as interesting or wonderful as I thought I was.
We all actually have potential that builds. Potential to laugh freely, to give when it hurts, to worship, to humble ourselves and it really is beautiful, it really is interesting, it really is wonderful. But we also have this innate ability to lose ourselves and to say things we don't mean, allowing timidness to crowd our senses, and for the question of "Who am I?" to rise again and again.
When there was the actual reality of the uprooting of my familiarity, of moving and leaving a home, a job, a church, a community, family, and an environment, pieces of me started to fall away, and it was because I defined who I was by those things. And then after moving, getting a new job, and marrying a human being, I was found in the middle of a conversation with someone I didn't know, at a job I didn't know, in a place I didn't know, asking myself, 'how do I usually respond to people again?" It was like I kind of forgot how to react as I would, cause I wasn't really sure who "I" was. Stability isn't the human's strong point, we are creatures of inconsistency. Individuals are quiet, hurting, unsure seasons and then there are the so sure of yourself, easy seasons.
Despite all of this, I knew that a solid, linear peace of mind did and does exist that's free to explore, and that's true and stable and never changing. This truth that has taken me from questioning to assuredness is this: His eternal relationship with us. A very definite Truth, a drawn line, a sure thing, and the only One that can understand and define every piece of me with the most exquisitely precise lines, is Jesus. I'm realizing that we, as people, will never be stable, and even though familiar things really agree with me, the truth is, the only thing that will ever remain constant and stable enough to rely on is Him.
Familiarity is really nice but far lovelier than this is genuineness before God, yourself, and others. Know that you are a daughter of the King, loved, held, and cherished. Know that He is far greater and beautiful. And know that of all things unsure, there's one sureness known and found in the love and sacrifice of Jesus Christ for you, and that is something that can never be stripped of you, sweet friend.